Friday, 18 May 2012
Oops I did it again!!!: News on my arm, and an interesting holiday in Anti...
Oops I did it again!!!: News on my arm, and an interesting holiday in Anti...: It seems an age since I last blogged. So much has happened, I don't really know where to begin. Time seems to move so fast (I think I will...
News on my arm, and an interesting holiday in Antigua where I bumped into my ex-husband and wife
It seems an age since I last blogged. So much has happened, I don't really know where to begin. Time seems to move so fast (I think I will have to do another blog on that subject!) it scares me sometimes.
My arm/elbow has shown no sign of improving, and is still only semi-functional. I have made the decision to go ahead with surgery, have all the metal work removed, and hopefully free the joint up so that I will have greater range of movement. My aim is to be able to get my hand up to my neck and ears so I can wear jewellery again, and to be able to get my hand to my mouth. I also want to be able to straighten it more.
29th May is my 'big day'. It will mean 6 weeks in an arm brace, and a couple of months of not being able to drive again. Looking ahead though, once I have had it done, I should be able to get back to some sort of a fitness regime, and shed the unwanted pounds (or stone?!!) I have managed to gain since I had the accident. My dear old Aunt said to me 4 weeks ago "Oh my darling girl, I didn't know you were expecting again?!!" I replied through gritted teeth "I am not expecting, it is called 'middle-aged spread!' Grrrrrr!!! She is 85, so I guess I can forgive her for the not so helpful remark. I am determined to get my figure back!!
In anticipation of the surgery, I booked a 2 week holiday to Antigua (actually I was supposed to go last November, but had to cancel because of my accident) to get myself healthy, rested and fit.
I arrived at the hotel, hot, sticky, sweaty, make-upless, haggard, and bedraggled from the long journey across the Atlantic ocean. As I stumbled out of the car, the first person I see..........my ex-husband and then his new wife! Small world, they had decided to have a second honeymoon (they were married last November) at the same resort as me, coinciding it turned out by 2 days.
His wife looked picture perfect, glamorous, tanned, slim, chic and totally wonderful. The two of them looked ecstatically happy and relaxed.... laughing and smiling in the Antiguan sun. I gulped, knowing how dreadful I felt and looked.....and old feelings of inferiority swept over me. I walked towards them, head held high, but inwardly feeling somewhat diminished and a little shaky. I managed to pull myself together enough to greet them in a reasonably friendly and cordial way. Of all the places in the world to choose from, they chose the same destination as me.......freak coincidence!!
I was shown to my room, plonked down my case, and collapsed on the bed. I may have drifted off to sleep for a short while (it had been a long old journey). When I awoke I threw open the windows. In front of me lay a beautiful sight, white beach, blue sky, palm trees, and turquoise sea sparkling in the sunlight. What I also saw right under my nose......my ex husband and his beautiful wife lying side by side chatting away happily on their sun-loungers. I felt a dull ache in my heart, and suddenly very alone, and very sad. A sense of loss and grief for what could have been between my ex and I, and what we could have had together.
Holidaying alone isn't easy at the best of times. You are completely surrounded by couples and families, enjoying themselves together, and it just seems to emphasise your 'singleness'. This particular hotel seemed to be popular with honeymooners. I sighed as I thought what a 'dipstick' I must seem.... like some sort of 'Billy-no-mates'!!! (which of course is not true, as I have many wonderful friends back in the UK) So what is worse? being somewhere beautiful with someone who doesn't love you, or being in the same place when you are alone full stop?
On my second day there, my ex-husband and wife were flying back to the UK in the evening. They graciously and kindly asked me to join them for lunch (I was on an 'all inclusive' deal, so he didn't have to pay!!) I accepted happily, as it would be nice to have some company. I must say though, it was a totally surreal situation, Mr Marsh having lunch with the new Mrs Marsh, and the old one, all at the same table!!!
Having spent some time with them, I think I have more of an insight now as to how and why their relationship works in a way that it didn't when we were married for 22 years.
I suppose you could say that she is an all singing, dancing and much better version of me. She is EXTREMELY attractive with a lean, slim, willowy, lithe body......not a smidgen of cellulite on her to be seen. Her long limbs are evenly tanned, and go on forever. There are no fat rolls, and not a scar in sight......unlike my poor body, covered in the damn things from all my various operations, accidents and mishaps!! Her complexion is flawless, wrinkle and blemish free...she is as fresh as a daisy. She is classy, elegant, fashionable and has an exquisite taste in clothes, accessories, shoes, make-up etc (rather expensively so!!) She is everything I am not, and everything I would like to be.
She is also intelligent, savvy, extremely capable, and very, very (scarily so) efficient. It seems she can turn her hand to most things, including making my ex-hubbie a very happy man......in a way I was sadly never able to, and wish I had. She is a brilliant cook, interior designer, gardener and house-keeper. She can sew, do DIY, is the perfect hostess, and the perfect wife. Their home (which once was our home) is now palatial, spotless, pristine, immaculate, colour co-ordinated, and furnished with top of the range furniture and fittings, bespoke kitchen, bathrooms, toilets, dressing rooms and bedrooms. What was our family home with all the mess, clutter and chaos that comes with having a large family is now perfect......just like her. I pale into insignificance and feel like a mere maggot next to her, and totally inferior. She is a lovely person in every way, and I can find no fault with her. She is a brilliant step-mum too, and my children all love and adore her.
Theirs is a comfortable relationship, and they seem to get on very well. I wouldn't say that it was overly passionate, but it certainly works. They are obviously very fond of each other, and their happiness is very evident. She looks after him exceedingly well in every single way. She takes very good care of him, meeting all his day to day needs in a way I never could, with four children to care for. She does absolutely everything for him, so he does not have think or worry about a thing. In return, he looks after her and lavishes her with all she wants or needs in life and all that money can buy.
I like her, she is very agreeable. I found her to be witty, amusing, and fun to be with. She understands my ex down to a tee, and accepts all his funny little quirky ways.... in fact, she finds them amusing, and even endearing. It is evident that they both want the very best in life without the stresses and strains of children around them, and they have the wealth, time and freedom in which to do so. They can lead a very happy, stress-free, rewarding and fulfilling life together without the all the worries, financial or otherwise that most other people have. I can hardly blame him or her for that. It is probably what most of us can all but dream of......I certainly do!
Given a second chance, I think I would want the same. Perhaps we could have been as devoted and as happy as they are now. Too late now though. I concentrated for all my 22 years of marriage on raising and bringing up the children. Raising a young family of four was never easy.....one girl, and three lively boys. They were four little bundles of mischief and joy, and I put most of my time and energy into them, trying to keep on top of things in the home. My ex put all his time and energy into his career while we were married, and left the child-rearing and domesticity to me. We were like ships that passed in the night. He had his job in the city, and I had mine at home with the kids. We had little in common other than our four children. We both worked hard at our different roles, but had little time for each other, or for intimacy or fun.
Now my ex is semi-retired, his career peaked about 6 years ago, and he and his new wife are reaping the fruits and benefits of all those years of hard slog we endured over the years. They as a couple do not have the stresses and strains of life that we did when we were together. The are free to come and go as they please, and are able to do whatever they want, when they want.
Do I feel sad? Yes, very. I grieve deeply for the relationship we could have had. I regret bitterly the rift that our divorce caused amongst family and friends. The family unit now ripped in two, and will never be the same, and nothing can heal that. The ripple effect and repercussions go on for ever. Sometimes I think had things been different, we could have worked it out. We were both inexperienced and young when we met, and we had our rose-tinted spectacles on when we married. In reality, neither of us knew how to make the other happy, and we lacked intimacy. When problems came, we didn't know how to deal with them together, and seemed unable to communicate. Grievances were left unresolved and festered as the years went on.
All I wanted was a soul-mate, a friend and lover, but my ex was none of those to me. I suppose you could call it an arrangement, he was like my boss, and I was like an employee. I did what was expected of me, and what I was told to do, and as long as I did, all was well with him, but if I didn't, or if things didn't go according to plan, then that was another story!
So there I was holidaying in paradise with a hotel full of couples and families. My ex husband and wife had gone home, and I have to say, I suddenly felt very alone. The first two days that coincided with them were great, as I had someone to talk to, and I actually got on quite well with the new Mrs Marsh. It sounds weird, but I kind of missed them when they went! Antigua like all the Caribbean islands is all you could wish for and more.......but the only thing lacking for me was good company.
All in all it was a great experience, and once again, I have learnt much about life, myself, people and what makes the new Mr and Mrs Marsh tick. I guess you could say I feel happier within myself, and now have a deeper understanding of myself, and why our marriage failed. Not that I can right the wrongs, but I think I can finally now accept, move on and draw a line under things. I can be happy that he is happy, and that he is with someone wonderful and lovely. Somethings are just meant to be, and maybe......just maybe I will find someone who I can be happy with and spend the rest of my days with too. As I always say to friends and family 'Time will tell'.
My arm/elbow has shown no sign of improving, and is still only semi-functional. I have made the decision to go ahead with surgery, have all the metal work removed, and hopefully free the joint up so that I will have greater range of movement. My aim is to be able to get my hand up to my neck and ears so I can wear jewellery again, and to be able to get my hand to my mouth. I also want to be able to straighten it more.
29th May is my 'big day'. It will mean 6 weeks in an arm brace, and a couple of months of not being able to drive again. Looking ahead though, once I have had it done, I should be able to get back to some sort of a fitness regime, and shed the unwanted pounds (or stone?!!) I have managed to gain since I had the accident. My dear old Aunt said to me 4 weeks ago "Oh my darling girl, I didn't know you were expecting again?!!" I replied through gritted teeth "I am not expecting, it is called 'middle-aged spread!' Grrrrrr!!! She is 85, so I guess I can forgive her for the not so helpful remark. I am determined to get my figure back!!
In anticipation of the surgery, I booked a 2 week holiday to Antigua (actually I was supposed to go last November, but had to cancel because of my accident) to get myself healthy, rested and fit.
I arrived at the hotel, hot, sticky, sweaty, make-upless, haggard, and bedraggled from the long journey across the Atlantic ocean. As I stumbled out of the car, the first person I see..........my ex-husband and then his new wife! Small world, they had decided to have a second honeymoon (they were married last November) at the same resort as me, coinciding it turned out by 2 days.
His wife looked picture perfect, glamorous, tanned, slim, chic and totally wonderful. The two of them looked ecstatically happy and relaxed.... laughing and smiling in the Antiguan sun. I gulped, knowing how dreadful I felt and looked.....and old feelings of inferiority swept over me. I walked towards them, head held high, but inwardly feeling somewhat diminished and a little shaky. I managed to pull myself together enough to greet them in a reasonably friendly and cordial way. Of all the places in the world to choose from, they chose the same destination as me.......freak coincidence!!
I was shown to my room, plonked down my case, and collapsed on the bed. I may have drifted off to sleep for a short while (it had been a long old journey). When I awoke I threw open the windows. In front of me lay a beautiful sight, white beach, blue sky, palm trees, and turquoise sea sparkling in the sunlight. What I also saw right under my nose......my ex husband and his beautiful wife lying side by side chatting away happily on their sun-loungers. I felt a dull ache in my heart, and suddenly very alone, and very sad. A sense of loss and grief for what could have been between my ex and I, and what we could have had together.
Holidaying alone isn't easy at the best of times. You are completely surrounded by couples and families, enjoying themselves together, and it just seems to emphasise your 'singleness'. This particular hotel seemed to be popular with honeymooners. I sighed as I thought what a 'dipstick' I must seem.... like some sort of 'Billy-no-mates'!!! (which of course is not true, as I have many wonderful friends back in the UK) So what is worse? being somewhere beautiful with someone who doesn't love you, or being in the same place when you are alone full stop?
On my second day there, my ex-husband and wife were flying back to the UK in the evening. They graciously and kindly asked me to join them for lunch (I was on an 'all inclusive' deal, so he didn't have to pay!!) I accepted happily, as it would be nice to have some company. I must say though, it was a totally surreal situation, Mr Marsh having lunch with the new Mrs Marsh, and the old one, all at the same table!!!
Having spent some time with them, I think I have more of an insight now as to how and why their relationship works in a way that it didn't when we were married for 22 years.
I suppose you could say that she is an all singing, dancing and much better version of me. She is EXTREMELY attractive with a lean, slim, willowy, lithe body......not a smidgen of cellulite on her to be seen. Her long limbs are evenly tanned, and go on forever. There are no fat rolls, and not a scar in sight......unlike my poor body, covered in the damn things from all my various operations, accidents and mishaps!! Her complexion is flawless, wrinkle and blemish free...she is as fresh as a daisy. She is classy, elegant, fashionable and has an exquisite taste in clothes, accessories, shoes, make-up etc (rather expensively so!!) She is everything I am not, and everything I would like to be.
She is also intelligent, savvy, extremely capable, and very, very (scarily so) efficient. It seems she can turn her hand to most things, including making my ex-hubbie a very happy man......in a way I was sadly never able to, and wish I had. She is a brilliant cook, interior designer, gardener and house-keeper. She can sew, do DIY, is the perfect hostess, and the perfect wife. Their home (which once was our home) is now palatial, spotless, pristine, immaculate, colour co-ordinated, and furnished with top of the range furniture and fittings, bespoke kitchen, bathrooms, toilets, dressing rooms and bedrooms. What was our family home with all the mess, clutter and chaos that comes with having a large family is now perfect......just like her. I pale into insignificance and feel like a mere maggot next to her, and totally inferior. She is a lovely person in every way, and I can find no fault with her. She is a brilliant step-mum too, and my children all love and adore her.
Theirs is a comfortable relationship, and they seem to get on very well. I wouldn't say that it was overly passionate, but it certainly works. They are obviously very fond of each other, and their happiness is very evident. She looks after him exceedingly well in every single way. She takes very good care of him, meeting all his day to day needs in a way I never could, with four children to care for. She does absolutely everything for him, so he does not have think or worry about a thing. In return, he looks after her and lavishes her with all she wants or needs in life and all that money can buy.
I like her, she is very agreeable. I found her to be witty, amusing, and fun to be with. She understands my ex down to a tee, and accepts all his funny little quirky ways.... in fact, she finds them amusing, and even endearing. It is evident that they both want the very best in life without the stresses and strains of children around them, and they have the wealth, time and freedom in which to do so. They can lead a very happy, stress-free, rewarding and fulfilling life together without the all the worries, financial or otherwise that most other people have. I can hardly blame him or her for that. It is probably what most of us can all but dream of......I certainly do!
Given a second chance, I think I would want the same. Perhaps we could have been as devoted and as happy as they are now. Too late now though. I concentrated for all my 22 years of marriage on raising and bringing up the children. Raising a young family of four was never easy.....one girl, and three lively boys. They were four little bundles of mischief and joy, and I put most of my time and energy into them, trying to keep on top of things in the home. My ex put all his time and energy into his career while we were married, and left the child-rearing and domesticity to me. We were like ships that passed in the night. He had his job in the city, and I had mine at home with the kids. We had little in common other than our four children. We both worked hard at our different roles, but had little time for each other, or for intimacy or fun.
Now my ex is semi-retired, his career peaked about 6 years ago, and he and his new wife are reaping the fruits and benefits of all those years of hard slog we endured over the years. They as a couple do not have the stresses and strains of life that we did when we were together. The are free to come and go as they please, and are able to do whatever they want, when they want.
Do I feel sad? Yes, very. I grieve deeply for the relationship we could have had. I regret bitterly the rift that our divorce caused amongst family and friends. The family unit now ripped in two, and will never be the same, and nothing can heal that. The ripple effect and repercussions go on for ever. Sometimes I think had things been different, we could have worked it out. We were both inexperienced and young when we met, and we had our rose-tinted spectacles on when we married. In reality, neither of us knew how to make the other happy, and we lacked intimacy. When problems came, we didn't know how to deal with them together, and seemed unable to communicate. Grievances were left unresolved and festered as the years went on.
All I wanted was a soul-mate, a friend and lover, but my ex was none of those to me. I suppose you could call it an arrangement, he was like my boss, and I was like an employee. I did what was expected of me, and what I was told to do, and as long as I did, all was well with him, but if I didn't, or if things didn't go according to plan, then that was another story!
So there I was holidaying in paradise with a hotel full of couples and families. My ex husband and wife had gone home, and I have to say, I suddenly felt very alone. The first two days that coincided with them were great, as I had someone to talk to, and I actually got on quite well with the new Mrs Marsh. It sounds weird, but I kind of missed them when they went! Antigua like all the Caribbean islands is all you could wish for and more.......but the only thing lacking for me was good company.
All in all it was a great experience, and once again, I have learnt much about life, myself, people and what makes the new Mr and Mrs Marsh tick. I guess you could say I feel happier within myself, and now have a deeper understanding of myself, and why our marriage failed. Not that I can right the wrongs, but I think I can finally now accept, move on and draw a line under things. I can be happy that he is happy, and that he is with someone wonderful and lovely. Somethings are just meant to be, and maybe......just maybe I will find someone who I can be happy with and spend the rest of my days with too. As I always say to friends and family 'Time will tell'.
Sunday, 22 April 2012
Oops I did it again!!!: Oops I did it again!!!: Thoughts on being 'Real' a...
Oops I did it again!!!: Oops I did it again!!!: Thoughts on being 'Real' a...: Oops I did it again!!!: Thoughts on being 'Real' and friendship : Oops I did it again!!!: I don't seem to be having much luck with my blog...
Oops I did it again!!!: Thoughts on being 'Real' and friendship
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Thoughts on being 'Real' and friendship
Oops I did it again!!!: I don't seem to be having much luck with my bloggi...: I don't seem to be having much luck with my blogging just recently. I have something blazing in my heart and mind that I feel I want to wri...
I don't seem to be having much luck with my blogging just recently. I have something blazing in my heart and mind that I feel I want to write about, but then something happens to dampen the thoughts and ideas which are burning within. My ideas have been put out like a bonfire that burned brightly and blazed too quickly, and the flames were suddenly drenched and quenched by a thunderous downpour.
Sometimes I have been bursting to express what I am thinking and feeling, and then the idea has wafted away, like a dandelion seed being blown to nowhere and tossed in the wind. I have tried to write a new blog at least three times. I have got so far, been quite pleased with what I have written, and then been distracted. Days later I have gone back to finish off what I have written only to find that I have to re-log in, and then my work has disappeared in a puff of smoke. Note to self, I must remember to save what I have written before I get distracted, or the flames go out, or the idea wafts away in the wind!
Sometime ago, I started to write all about 'friendship', only to loose what looked like being a jolly good blog. More recently I began a blog about 'what lies behind the mask', and lost that one too. Maybe I could try and pick up the threads of both of these blogs, and somehow knit them together as one. The trouble is, I have totally forgotten what I was trying to say in both of these blogs! Hopefully in re-writing them, the inspiration will come as I write.
Here goes!
Friendship is precious. I have had many friends over the years, childhood friends, school friends, work friends. Friends I have made through my children and all the schools they have been to, and friends I have had during my 22 year marriage. Many of these friends span the decades. We all went through the same things together over more than half a lifetime. We all dated, got engaged, got married, had kids, and went through the ups and downs of life. Our kids all grew up together, some couples got divorced and some re-married. Most, I am pleased to say, have remained happily married throughout the decades, and they are blessed. I guess that you could say statistically we have gone through all the normal things that normal people of our age go through.
Some friends came into my life for a period of time, and for a season. They passed through, moved on, and so did I..... almost like chapters of a book. Many of my friendships have spanned the decades, and I treasure these the most because they are my lifelong friends. But I don't underestimate the friendships that only lasted for a shorter period of time rather than a lifetime. Sometimes these intense friendships are as meaningful as the long-lasting friendships. There is always something to be learnt, loving and loosing is all a part of the rich tapestry of life. I have gained wisdom and insight from every single person I have met, and who has crossed my path and entered my life story.... at whatever stage. I will always treasure and remember those friends who came into my life, and then left me for whatever reason. I know that one day we will meet again.
The hardest thing about becoming single and getting divorced has been that though many of my 'coupley' friends have remained my friends, I simply no longer belong in their world.... I just don't seem to fit the 'mould' anymore. Their world of happy 'coupledom' is so very different to my life now. Over the last 6 years, perhaps I have changed, become more independent and self-sufficient. To begin with, I tried very hard to involve them in my new 'single' status by inviting them over for this and that, but after a few years it seemed like they were loosing interest, and I was fighting a losing battle. I haven't given up on them, as giving up on friends who I love, and with whom I have been through so much and known for so long is not on my agenda. I don't believe in giving up on people full-stop. It is just that sometimes I feel as though I have been side-lined.
Oh, and then there are the 'fair-weather' friends. People who stick by you and are chummy when all is well and good. They are quite happy to share the joys, the sunshine, and celebrate the good times, but when the going gets tough, and when the storms of life come along, they are nowhere to be seen. They seem to disappear in a puff of smoke. Oh, and believe me, life is full of storms, the tiny ones and the humungous ones. It maybe a small 'storm-in-a-tea-cup', but it can be a major, thunderous and life-changing storm that turns your whole life upside-down. True friends are the ones who stick by you no matter what, and who are there for you during these storms, and who don't abandon you. Friendship isn't necessarily about who you have known the longest, but who came into your life, and never left your side during the good but especially the bad times.
Having said that, I have some friends who I have known for many many years, but because of distance, busy life-styles, families, commitments etc we don't see each other as regularly as we would like. When we do eventually see each other, it doesn't matter if it was months since we last saw one another, or even years, we are always able to pick up from where we last left off. This is a mark of a true and deep friendship, as it seems to defy even time itself, no matter how long has passed. Ageless, timeless, and forever friends.
I have to say that most of the friendships throughout my life have always been same-sex ones. I have had very few male friends over the years. Maybe because I went to an 'all-girl' school, and then 'all-girl' Secretarial college, followed by marriage and children. Therefore, friends from then on were women with children of a similar age to mine. My ex-husband always said that he didn't believe it possible for a man and a woman to be 'just friends'..... and that there was no such thing as 'platonic friendship' between a man and a woman. How wrong he was, and how deceived and blinkered I was too. I am now blessed with many female friends, but also a few male ones too, and I really cherish them. It is always good to see and hear things from a 'male' perspective, I really value their opinions, and thoughts on life.
It is strange that even though I dated my ex-husband for 4 years, and was married to him for 22 years, I hardly knew him. The 'friendship' element was totally lacking in our relationship, and I guess you could say we lacked 'intimacy'. I wish with all my heart that it could have been different. How I yearned for 'closeness', and a connection with him that just was never there. It was for this reason that sadly after many years of loneliness within my marriage we parted ways. He is now very happily re-married to someone who is far more suited to him, and I am happy for him. Well all appears good, happy and rosy anyway.
You can walk down a street and look at all the houses lined neatly along the road and wonder who lives in them, and what goes on? Some houses look so cosy, warm and homely from the outside, with their pretty front gardens, welcoming doors and windows. We always assume that living therein are happy couples, with happy little families.....but do not be deceived. The reality is, that in these houses are real people, living their own storms of life, whether it be relationship breakdown, illness, bereavement, troublesome teens etc etc. To everyone on the outside, my house and my life looked like yet another happy, cosy home, but what went on within those four walls was another matter. What looked like a 'happy ever after' life and marriage, was in reality lonely and cold. My love for my children was what kept me going, and that is why I stayed.
As the saying goes, never judge a book by its cover, good looks, frontage and veneer can be quite deceiving, and what lies underneath can be a very different story. A person can put on a wonderful facade of perfection, righteousness, smooth talk and charm..... they may seem to be a fine, up-right model citizen. But sometimes beneath the mask that everyone sees, hides someone or something much darker.... unresolved anger, bitterness, resentment, unforgiven grievances, a cold heart, and uncalled for judgement of other people. You can see a person, a friend even, appearing all smiles, and it seems like they have got everything all together in their life and all is in order..... love, happiness, success, self-satisfaction, but if you dig deep enough, their life is anything but. Theirs too is a mask that they wear, and they don't want to lift or remove it because the truth and the harsh reality is hard to bare....... deep unhappiness, or dis-satisfaction with life, hurt, rejection, loss, loneliness. It is easier to hide behind a mask.
What you see is not always what you get. You think you know someone, but do you? What happens when the mask comes off? You think that from the outside of a house, all looks happy and rosy, but is it? It is all down to appearances, and how people want to present themselves. The reality of people's lives, is very often different to what they want you to think or believe. How does all this relate to friendship? Well some friends are real, and some are not. They put on a mask or act out a charade of friendliness, when the truth is, the chords of friendship are not strong, and they do not run deep. What appears to be real and deep, is actually very shallow. When troubles come these people who you thought were your friends are nowhere to be seen. Sadly they are fickle and false.
So let's get real..... take off the masks we are wearing, and take a look beyond the facade of other peoples lives, and how they present themselves. First of all, let's be true to ourselves, then we can be true to others. Then we need to love the people who God put's into our lives, whether or not they are there for a season, or there for a lifetime, they are there for a reason. Truth, open hearts, honesty, respect, care and love for one another are what count, no matter what our age is, or what stage in our life we are at.
As a child, I loved the story of the 'Velveteen Rabbit', and there are some great truths, and nuggets of gold that still speak to my heart on being and becoming real. Here are a few of my favourites:-
So very true eh? What a wonderful childhood story..... I want to be Real, how about you?
Sometimes I have been bursting to express what I am thinking and feeling, and then the idea has wafted away, like a dandelion seed being blown to nowhere and tossed in the wind. I have tried to write a new blog at least three times. I have got so far, been quite pleased with what I have written, and then been distracted. Days later I have gone back to finish off what I have written only to find that I have to re-log in, and then my work has disappeared in a puff of smoke. Note to self, I must remember to save what I have written before I get distracted, or the flames go out, or the idea wafts away in the wind!
Sometime ago, I started to write all about 'friendship', only to loose what looked like being a jolly good blog. More recently I began a blog about 'what lies behind the mask', and lost that one too. Maybe I could try and pick up the threads of both of these blogs, and somehow knit them together as one. The trouble is, I have totally forgotten what I was trying to say in both of these blogs! Hopefully in re-writing them, the inspiration will come as I write.
Here goes!
Friendship is precious. I have had many friends over the years, childhood friends, school friends, work friends. Friends I have made through my children and all the schools they have been to, and friends I have had during my 22 year marriage. Many of these friends span the decades. We all went through the same things together over more than half a lifetime. We all dated, got engaged, got married, had kids, and went through the ups and downs of life. Our kids all grew up together, some couples got divorced and some re-married. Most, I am pleased to say, have remained happily married throughout the decades, and they are blessed. I guess that you could say statistically we have gone through all the normal things that normal people of our age go through.
Some friends came into my life for a period of time, and for a season. They passed through, moved on, and so did I..... almost like chapters of a book. Many of my friendships have spanned the decades, and I treasure these the most because they are my lifelong friends. But I don't underestimate the friendships that only lasted for a shorter period of time rather than a lifetime. Sometimes these intense friendships are as meaningful as the long-lasting friendships. There is always something to be learnt, loving and loosing is all a part of the rich tapestry of life. I have gained wisdom and insight from every single person I have met, and who has crossed my path and entered my life story.... at whatever stage. I will always treasure and remember those friends who came into my life, and then left me for whatever reason. I know that one day we will meet again.
The hardest thing about becoming single and getting divorced has been that though many of my 'coupley' friends have remained my friends, I simply no longer belong in their world.... I just don't seem to fit the 'mould' anymore. Their world of happy 'coupledom' is so very different to my life now. Over the last 6 years, perhaps I have changed, become more independent and self-sufficient. To begin with, I tried very hard to involve them in my new 'single' status by inviting them over for this and that, but after a few years it seemed like they were loosing interest, and I was fighting a losing battle. I haven't given up on them, as giving up on friends who I love, and with whom I have been through so much and known for so long is not on my agenda. I don't believe in giving up on people full-stop. It is just that sometimes I feel as though I have been side-lined.
Oh, and then there are the 'fair-weather' friends. People who stick by you and are chummy when all is well and good. They are quite happy to share the joys, the sunshine, and celebrate the good times, but when the going gets tough, and when the storms of life come along, they are nowhere to be seen. They seem to disappear in a puff of smoke. Oh, and believe me, life is full of storms, the tiny ones and the humungous ones. It maybe a small 'storm-in-a-tea-cup', but it can be a major, thunderous and life-changing storm that turns your whole life upside-down. True friends are the ones who stick by you no matter what, and who are there for you during these storms, and who don't abandon you. Friendship isn't necessarily about who you have known the longest, but who came into your life, and never left your side during the good but especially the bad times.
Having said that, I have some friends who I have known for many many years, but because of distance, busy life-styles, families, commitments etc we don't see each other as regularly as we would like. When we do eventually see each other, it doesn't matter if it was months since we last saw one another, or even years, we are always able to pick up from where we last left off. This is a mark of a true and deep friendship, as it seems to defy even time itself, no matter how long has passed. Ageless, timeless, and forever friends.
I have to say that most of the friendships throughout my life have always been same-sex ones. I have had very few male friends over the years. Maybe because I went to an 'all-girl' school, and then 'all-girl' Secretarial college, followed by marriage and children. Therefore, friends from then on were women with children of a similar age to mine. My ex-husband always said that he didn't believe it possible for a man and a woman to be 'just friends'..... and that there was no such thing as 'platonic friendship' between a man and a woman. How wrong he was, and how deceived and blinkered I was too. I am now blessed with many female friends, but also a few male ones too, and I really cherish them. It is always good to see and hear things from a 'male' perspective, I really value their opinions, and thoughts on life.
It is strange that even though I dated my ex-husband for 4 years, and was married to him for 22 years, I hardly knew him. The 'friendship' element was totally lacking in our relationship, and I guess you could say we lacked 'intimacy'. I wish with all my heart that it could have been different. How I yearned for 'closeness', and a connection with him that just was never there. It was for this reason that sadly after many years of loneliness within my marriage we parted ways. He is now very happily re-married to someone who is far more suited to him, and I am happy for him. Well all appears good, happy and rosy anyway.
You can walk down a street and look at all the houses lined neatly along the road and wonder who lives in them, and what goes on? Some houses look so cosy, warm and homely from the outside, with their pretty front gardens, welcoming doors and windows. We always assume that living therein are happy couples, with happy little families.....but do not be deceived. The reality is, that in these houses are real people, living their own storms of life, whether it be relationship breakdown, illness, bereavement, troublesome teens etc etc. To everyone on the outside, my house and my life looked like yet another happy, cosy home, but what went on within those four walls was another matter. What looked like a 'happy ever after' life and marriage, was in reality lonely and cold. My love for my children was what kept me going, and that is why I stayed.
As the saying goes, never judge a book by its cover, good looks, frontage and veneer can be quite deceiving, and what lies underneath can be a very different story. A person can put on a wonderful facade of perfection, righteousness, smooth talk and charm..... they may seem to be a fine, up-right model citizen. But sometimes beneath the mask that everyone sees, hides someone or something much darker.... unresolved anger, bitterness, resentment, unforgiven grievances, a cold heart, and uncalled for judgement of other people. You can see a person, a friend even, appearing all smiles, and it seems like they have got everything all together in their life and all is in order..... love, happiness, success, self-satisfaction, but if you dig deep enough, their life is anything but. Theirs too is a mask that they wear, and they don't want to lift or remove it because the truth and the harsh reality is hard to bare....... deep unhappiness, or dis-satisfaction with life, hurt, rejection, loss, loneliness. It is easier to hide behind a mask.
What you see is not always what you get. You think you know someone, but do you? What happens when the mask comes off? You think that from the outside of a house, all looks happy and rosy, but is it? It is all down to appearances, and how people want to present themselves. The reality of people's lives, is very often different to what they want you to think or believe. How does all this relate to friendship? Well some friends are real, and some are not. They put on a mask or act out a charade of friendliness, when the truth is, the chords of friendship are not strong, and they do not run deep. What appears to be real and deep, is actually very shallow. When troubles come these people who you thought were your friends are nowhere to be seen. Sadly they are fickle and false.
So let's get real..... take off the masks we are wearing, and take a look beyond the facade of other peoples lives, and how they present themselves. First of all, let's be true to ourselves, then we can be true to others. Then we need to love the people who God put's into our lives, whether or not they are there for a season, or there for a lifetime, they are there for a reason. Truth, open hearts, honesty, respect, care and love for one another are what count, no matter what our age is, or what stage in our life we are at.
As a child, I loved the story of the 'Velveteen Rabbit', and there are some great truths, and nuggets of gold that still speak to my heart on being and becoming real. Here are a few of my favourites:-
So very true eh? What a wonderful childhood story..... I want to be Real, how about you?
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
A short story written by me, aged 10.
This is a little story I wrote aged 10. My mother found it hidden in a drawer. It is short, sweet and silly, but in a way quite sad, because I was a bit like the little girl in the story who was no good at school, and who longed to be clever.....I was really writing about myself.
The Magic Pencil
Once upon a time there was a little girl whose name was Lucy. She was aged 10, but she was the dunce of the class. She was absolutely hopeless. She was careless, untidy and disgraceful. One day it was time for exams. Oh Lucy was worried, because she knew that however hard she worked she would come bottom in every single exam with 0%. The day came, and she had a brand new pencil which her mother had bought her. She arrived at school, and the papers were given out. Suddenly she heard a little whispery voice saying "It's ok, I will do the work for you" It was her pencil talking to her. Lucy nearly screamed with fright. But she knew that she was not allowed to talk in exams, so she held her mouth. The pencil kept his word and did all her work for her.
Soon the day for the results came, and the teacher said that she was very, very, very surprised to say that Lucy had come top in every single exam!! Lucy went red. Even now she still has mer magic pencil, and she is very famous.
The end.
Awww, Bless!!!
The Magic Pencil
Once upon a time there was a little girl whose name was Lucy. She was aged 10, but she was the dunce of the class. She was absolutely hopeless. She was careless, untidy and disgraceful. One day it was time for exams. Oh Lucy was worried, because she knew that however hard she worked she would come bottom in every single exam with 0%. The day came, and she had a brand new pencil which her mother had bought her. She arrived at school, and the papers were given out. Suddenly she heard a little whispery voice saying "It's ok, I will do the work for you" It was her pencil talking to her. Lucy nearly screamed with fright. But she knew that she was not allowed to talk in exams, so she held her mouth. The pencil kept his word and did all her work for her.
Soon the day for the results came, and the teacher said that she was very, very, very surprised to say that Lucy had come top in every single exam!! Lucy went red. Even now she still has mer magic pencil, and she is very famous.
The end.
Awww, Bless!!!
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