Monday, 27 February 2012

Oops I did it again!!!: Post-script on my previous blog

Oops I did it again!!!: Post-script on my previous blog: I thought I had better add this post-script on my previous blog, as some of you may have thought that I was running myself down in some way....

Post-script on my previous blog

I thought I had better add this post-script on my previous blog, as some of you may have thought that I was running myself down in some way.  In fact, I was just being truthful and honest about myself.   It is better to be humble and honest than pompous and full of self-grandiose about ones-self.  To be able to acknowledge weakness, failures and mistakes is a strength.  To deny them and pretend they don't exist is foolish, as then you will never ever grow or learn from them.  It is like an ostrich burying his head in the sand.

I don't mind the gentle teasing I get from friends and family, as it is all done in the nicest possible way.  It brings much laughter and giggles to all of us, and laughter is good medicine, therapeutic and good for the soul.  I know that they love me for who I am, with all my funny little ways, and that is what matters.

I think I should say a little more about my Maths teacher who threw books and board-rubbers at me.  The truth is, she didn't like me at all, and really picked on me and bullied me to tears.  There have been times in my life when my failures and weaknesses have been painful, as I have been belittled, pulled down, and made to look a fool and feel totally useless.  Gentle teasing is acceptable,  bullying, belittling, taunting, goading are not acceptable.  But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.   These experiences have made me the person the am now, and I am very happy with that.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Oops I did it again!!!: The joys and woes of being dappy!

Oops I did it again!!!: The joys and woes of being dappy!: Perhaps it was something to do with my slightly premature birth, an unexpected and difficult breech delivery that led to a lack of oxygen. ...

The joys and woes of being dappy!

Perhaps it was something to do with my slightly premature birth, an unexpected and difficult breech delivery that led to a lack of oxygen.  For as long as I can remember, I have always been dappy.   If you were to ask any of my siblings or my parents, I have always been this way.  Just a little bit dozy!  My brother even wrote a song about me, 'Dozy Jozy' and then the lines went something like this 'making a fool of herself....'  I can't remember the rest, but when he sang it to this little ditty-type melody on the piano, I couldn't help but laugh, because it was so true, I was, and I still am!

At school my teachers would say 'she is always day-dreaming, staring out of the window looking at the clouds go by, she could do better if she paid more attention in class'.  Story of my life.  I was certainly no academic,  preferring to spend most of the time with my head the clouds, or my nose in a good book.  One of my Maths teachers used to actually throw books and board-rubbers at me... I was that bad (I hasten to add for any of my Eothen friends reading this, it was at my previous school, and one of the reasons I left to go to happier school days at Eothen).   My English teacher had a soft spot for me though, she said all I had to do was look at her with my big brown sorrowful eyes, and she just couldn't get cross. I loved English literature anyway, and if I excelled at anything it was in this subject.  Strange, I still have a recurring dream/nightmare,  that I am back at school and I don't know which class I am in, where the classroom is, or even where all my books are, I feel completely lost and at sea, knowing I should be in class or somewhere but not knowing how to get there.....must be telling me something!

Following on from School and college, I became a Secretary......probably the worst kind of job for someone like me.  Messages not given, files mis-filed, shorthand that was incomprehensible when I came to type it all back, forgotten bookings, forgotten appointments, you name it.  The workings of a business was incomprehensible to me, as was anything to do with numbers, or anything financial.  The funny thing is, my brother was/is genius with numbers and figures, he would set himself impossible mathematical equations just for fun, I could never understand that.  On the other hand, I would write just for fun.  I still do.  Most of my bosses were male and were reasonably tolerant and patient with me despite my scattiness and flaws.  It seemed all I had to do was look up with big brown soulful eyes, and flutter my eyelashes a little, and say worked!  I had one female boss, a fiery Italian lady, and my brown eyes and fluttering eyelashes didn't seem to make any difference to her....can't think why!!!!!  Just like my old maths teacher, she also would throw things at me in bouts of anger and temper.  Her face would go red with rage, and all the veins would bulge in her neck and forehead as she yelled at me.....she scared me senseless.  I would become a gibbering wreck and disappear into the ladies loos to have a little cry, returning back to my desk with a blotchy tear-stained face......not a good look for a young Secretary!

My friends for all my life have known me as being sweet, silly, and scatty.  My ex-husband, and my friends of old called my little slip-ups, mistakes and silly sayings as 'Jo Classics'.   More often than not,  it was that I would think something daft in my head, but say it out loud.  It would always result in roars of laughter, and everyone saying 'another Jo-Classic!'  One of my most memorable 'Jo Classics' was on a  girlie trip to New York  in the year 2000.   We decided to go up the Empire State Building.  At the half way level  (or thereabouts) there was a sign saying 'Roller Coaster' ride.  I looked around with a puzzled expression, and asked my friends "how on earth did they manage to fit a Roller Coaster ride into the Empire State Building? or is the ride going all round the outside of the building?"  They dissolved into hoots of laughter, "it's a Virtual Roller Coaster Ride, oh Jo....oh Jo Jo!!!!"  I kind of giggled with embarrassment, ooops, silly me!   Yes, at least I have managed over the years of blunders to learn to laugh at myself, my funny ways and slip-ups.  They are somewhat amusing both at the time, and also when I look back on them.

I have some other friends who now call them 'Jo-Jo Moments'.  I like that, it sounds rather quaint, which I suppose is what I am.  Thus the title of my blog 'Ooops I did it again!'  What with this and my tendency to be a little accident prone (see my first blog... Good Intentions), it seemed rather apt.  I dread to think  what I will be like when I am 80 (God willing I live to that ripe old age!).   I am a bit like my Granny, even at my young age (!!!).......tell me a joke, and I either don't get it at all, or when I do, I am laughing  5-10 minutes later  or even the next day......when I have finally worked it out.

Actually,  I don't mind people laughing at me or gently teasing me about my silliness, forgetfulness and quirkiness......I am fine with it.  I think most people find it quite an endearing quality.  The exception of course, are terribly efficient people whose lives are totally organised and smooth-running,  those people whose  lives are so perfect, in order and faultless they cannot possibly understand me and where I am coming from.   These people must find me incredibly irritating or frustrating...they shake their heads in disbelief and give up.  Still that is their problem and not mine, as I am quite happy with the way I am and my life.  People who love me, love me because I am me......with all my funny ways, I will never change.  For those in my life who have expected perfection from me,  I am sorry I failed.  However,  in failing perfection, I have learned to love and accept who I am and the way I am.  Learning to love myself, I have learned to love others, and to become more loveable.  Love, after all, is what makes the world go round.  Welcome to Jo-Jo's world!!

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Oops I did it again!!!: A Mothers Love

Oops I did it again!!!: A Mothers Love: From the moment I gave birth to you, it was love at first sight. Exhausted, tired and weak from 9 months pregnancy and a long and painful l...

A Mothers Love

From the moment I gave birth to you, it was love at first sight.  Exhausted, tired and weak from 9 months pregnancy and a long and painful labour,  I knew as soon as I held you in my arms, that my life would never be the same.   You had a mop of dark hair, perfect skin, and rosebud lips, my perfect beautiful baby.  How could such a tiny human being knit together so perfectly in my womb make so much noise?  Every time you cried, you pulled at my heart strings, and I wanted to comfort you, protect you, and make your world right.  As you grew up,  I was there to to wipe away your tears when you came home upset from school, or when you fell over and grazed your knee.  Your perfect cheeks all plump and rosy stained by your tears, and I would wipe them away.  I have always felt your pain my only a mother can.  When you hurt, I hurt with you.  I still want to make things right for you, like I did when you uttered your first cry.  But but I feel so helpless now,  I want to make it all better for you like when you were small, and take your pain away.

Your joys are my joy........and you have given me so much.  I remember when you swam your first mile, my heart felt as though it would literally burst with the pride I had for you.  When you are happy, I am happy, and when you are not, I would move heaven and earth to bring your happiness back.  When you have a problem, I feel a knot that grips tightly in my stomach, as I worry and fret about you......your problem becomes my problem.

You see, my love for you my darling child, goes on forever.  I have always loved you from the moment you were born, and I always will.  I will always feel the joy and the pain that you go through till the day I die.   I will always be here for you as long as I breathe and my heart still beats.... and when I pass away, my spirit will live on, as there will always be a part of me in you.  You will hear my voice,  you will know I am there, you will feel it in your heart.

No-one can take away the love I have for you, and nothing will change it, it is pure, unconditional, protective, fierce like a lioness, and gentle as a dove.  It is a Mothers Love.

Monday, 13 February 2012

When the snow melts....

You wake up one  morning to find that your world has been turned overnight into a winter-wonderland. A fresh fall of snow, and everything is white, glistening and beautiful.   It all  looks so pure, white and dazzling.  Even the way snow falls is beautiful.... slowly, gracefully and gently, each snowflake unique in its beauty drifts to the ground.  But the beauty and freshness is short-lived, it can not last forever.  Eventually the snow melts, and turns to slush.....and beneath is dull and drab, even ugly....the earth cries out for Springs warmth, and the promise of new life.  It is there beneath the ground, waiting to burst forth when the time is right.  The spectacular colours of Spring yet to emerge, with all their vivid, fresh, brightness.

A new relationship is like a fresh fall of snow.  The first flush of love, and all seems so beautiful, pure, perfect, gleaming, shining and wonderful.  But when that first flush of love, like the snow begins to melt, what do we see and what lies beneath?  They say love is blind, and it can be.  You are so blinded by all the newness and wonders of first love,  that you don't see what is really there..... like the snow,  it puts on a an amazing and dazzling display.  When it is gone, what is left?  Sometimes sadly what is left is something dull, that has lost its vibrance, and sometimes you realise that what you had felt, seen and believed in is not at all what it had seemed.   But like the Spring, we have to wait.......underneath things are stirring until the time is right,  like they are coming out of a deep sleep.  New shoots emerge, new life, new hope, new love, new beauty......something more alive, more vibrant, more dazzling than you thought possible, it reaches up skyward towards the sun and grows in splendour and strength.  Such is life and love.

Sunday, 12 February 2012

Oops I did it again!!!: Oops, I really did nearly do it again!

Oops I did it again!!!: Oops, I really did nearly do it again!: I went out last night with a and snow still lying on my drive, she comes to pick me up. I am wearing high heeled boots...

Oops, I really did nearly do it again!

I went out last night with a and snow still lying on my drive, she comes to pick me up.  I am wearing high heeled boots (I love boots!!).  I attempt to totter to her car, and then realising it is slippery and a little dangerous to walk on, and not wanting to have another trip to A and E, I turned back to the front door to get my snow boots.  I successfully get into her car wearing my snow boots and carrying my high heeled boots in my hand.   Injury avoided!

We arrive at the pub which was clear of snow and ice, and in the car, I take off my clumsy snow boots and put my nice high heeled ones on...... so much more attractive!  I get out the car, while my friend parks, and start to climb these steep steps up to the pub.  I nearly get to the top, but not quite......I wobble a bit, loosing my balance and in slow guessed it, oops! I nearly did it again....nasty fall.  Fortunately for me, I didn't injure myself this time, just a bruised knee as I managed somehow to save myself......another close shave though!  What is it with me and stairs and steps?!!

The evening was a little disappointing, as we thought there would be a live band.....instead of which there was this old crooner singing Frank Sinatra songs to some sort of backing track.  Still, my friend and I had a good natter, and set the world to rights, so all good.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Long gap.......writers block!

Hello my has been a long time since I have blogged, for some reason I didn't feel inspired to write,  but quite a lot has happened.  I thought I would have a catch up though, and do some more blogging not for your entertainment, but because it is good to write.

A few weeks ago my darling little Basil passed away.   We were blessed with 16 wonderful years of his furry, woofy, funny, cute and doggy ways.  What a wonderful little character he was, and the best family pet we could have ever wished for.  I miss him dreadfully, and I have tears in my eyes as I write this.  He died peacefully in bed at home, like he had gone to sleep,  except this time he will never wake up.   The vet took him away in his bed all cozy and wrapped in a blanket, and that is my last memory of him.

Each morning I wake up expecting to see him, and every time I go out I expect to come home to his waggy little tail and sweet face.    Coming back to an empty house, and waking up to no-one feels very, very lonely.  There is a huge emptiness and void now that can't be filled.  I still can't believe he is gone, and that I will never see him again.  To hear his little snuffley noises,  and the click clacking of his paws on the kitchen floor.  Sometimes I think I can hear him, even smell him.....but no, he is gone.....forever, it seems so final.  All I have now is memories.

My arm is progressing very slowly.  I had a large screw removed about 4 weeks ago, it was one of the many bits of Titanium inside my bones, but this particular one was trying to make a rather spectacular exit out of my arm like something out of 'Alien' the movie!.....ugh!!!

It is now four and a half months since my accident..... the day that changed my life.  It feels like a lifetime away since I had a normal arm, and having an abnormal arm is becoming the norm.  I am just about managing to use a knife and fork now, so that is a step forward.....though there is a fair amount of cheating going on.  I still am not driving, but I am hoping that in the next few weeks/month I will be able to give it a go.  My other goal is to be able to get my left hand up to my left ear, so that I can talk on the phone and write a number or a message with my right hand.   My arm still gives me considerable pain (though nothing like it was), especially at night....sleepless nights have become the norm sadly (not that I was a brilliant sleeper before!).  I have been told by many people that full recovery will take a year of slow progress, and even then I am to expect a 'functional' arm, and not the arm I used to have.

It has been a some what rickety start to the year..........Christmas and the New Year already seem like a long and distant memory.  So much has been happening,  relationships all around me on shaky ground, and nothing seems certain at the moment.  People going through tough times....and only just keeping their heads above water.   Friends with health issues that put everything else into perspective,  we all have our battles to fight and to get through, but our health is the most important, and if that fails......?

Few of us can go through life and sail through with no problems, we all have our burdens to carry, our sadness, grief and pain to go through, hurdles to get over, and mistakes to learn from.  In the end they make us who we are.......stronger, more compassionate and understanding human beings.  Without pain and suffering, difficulties and problems our hearts become sterile and cold.   So I thank God for helping me through tough times, and giving me a more understanding and compassionate heart, and for teaching me wisdom (though I could do with an extra dose of that one!)  I pray that my heart will never become hard or sterile.

I thank God for friends and family, without whom the last 4 months would have been so much worse.

Speak soon, and I promise I won't leave it so long before I write again.