Friday, 18 May 2012

Oops I did it again!!!: News on my arm, and an interesting holiday in Anti...

Oops I did it again!!!: News on my arm, and an interesting holiday in Anti...: It seems an age since I last blogged.  So much has happened, I don't really know where to begin.  Time seems to move so fast (I think I will...

News on my arm, and an interesting holiday in Antigua where I bumped into my ex-husband and wife

It seems an age since I last blogged.  So much has happened, I don't really know where to begin.  Time seems to move so fast (I think I will have to do another blog on that subject!) it scares me sometimes.

My arm/elbow has shown no sign of improving, and is still only semi-functional.  I have made the decision to go ahead with surgery, have all the metal work removed, and hopefully free the joint up so that I will have greater range of movement.  My aim is to be able to get my hand up to my neck and ears so I can wear jewellery again, and to be able to get my hand to my mouth.  I also want to be able to straighten it more.

29th May is my 'big day'.  It will mean 6 weeks in an arm brace, and a couple of months of not being able to drive again.  Looking ahead though, once I have had it done, I should be able to get back to some sort of a fitness regime, and shed the unwanted pounds (or stone?!!) I have managed to gain since I had the accident.  My dear old Aunt said to me 4 weeks ago "Oh my darling girl, I didn't know you were expecting again?!!"  I replied through gritted teeth "I am not expecting, it is called 'middle-aged spread!'  Grrrrrr!!!  She is 85, so I guess I can forgive her for the not so helpful remark.  I am determined to get my figure back!!

In anticipation of the surgery, I booked a 2 week holiday to Antigua (actually I was supposed to go last November, but had to cancel because of my accident) to get myself healthy, rested and fit.

I arrived at the hotel, hot, sticky, sweaty, make-upless, haggard, and bedraggled from the long journey across the Atlantic ocean.  As I stumbled out of the car, the first person I ex-husband and then his new wife!  Small world, they had decided to have a second honeymoon (they were married last November) at the same resort as me, coinciding it turned out by 2 days.

His wife looked picture perfect, glamorous, tanned, slim, chic and totally wonderful.  The two of them looked ecstatically happy and relaxed.... laughing and smiling in the Antiguan sun.  I gulped, knowing how dreadful I felt and looked.....and old feelings of inferiority swept over me.  I walked towards them, head held high, but inwardly feeling somewhat diminished and a little shaky.   I managed to pull myself together enough to greet them in a reasonably friendly and cordial way.  Of all the places in the world to choose from, they chose the same destination as me.......freak coincidence!!

I was shown to my room,  plonked down my case,  and collapsed on the bed.  I may have drifted off to sleep for a short while (it had been a long old journey).   When I awoke I threw open the windows.  In front of me lay a beautiful sight, white beach, blue sky, palm trees, and turquoise sea sparkling in the sunlight.  What I also saw right under my ex husband and his beautiful wife lying side by side chatting away happily on their sun-loungers.  I felt a dull ache in my heart, and suddenly very alone, and very sad.  A sense of loss and grief for what could have been between my ex and I, and what we  could have had together.

Holidaying alone isn't easy at the best of times.  You are completely surrounded by couples and families, enjoying themselves together, and it just seems to emphasise your 'singleness'.  This particular hotel seemed to be popular with honeymooners.  I sighed as I thought what a 'dipstick' I must seem.... like some sort of 'Billy-no-mates'!!! (which of course is not true, as I have many wonderful friends back in the UK)  So what is worse? being somewhere beautiful with someone who doesn't love you, or being in the same place when you are alone full stop?

On my second day there, my ex-husband and wife were flying back to the UK in the evening.  They graciously and kindly asked me to join them for lunch (I was on an 'all inclusive' deal, so he didn't have to pay!!)  I accepted happily, as it would be nice to have some company.  I must say though, it was a totally surreal situation, Mr Marsh having lunch with the new Mrs Marsh, and the old one, all at the same table!!!

Having spent some time with them, I think I have more of an insight now as to how and why their relationship works in a way that it didn't when we were married for 22 years.

I suppose you could say that she is an all singing, dancing and much better version of me.  She is EXTREMELY attractive with a lean, slim, willowy, lithe body......not a smidgen of cellulite on her to be seen.   Her long limbs are evenly tanned, and go on forever.  There are no fat rolls, and not a scar in sight......unlike my poor body, covered in the damn things from all my various operations, accidents and mishaps!!  Her complexion is flawless,  wrinkle and blemish free...she is as fresh as a daisy.  She is classy, elegant, fashionable and has an exquisite taste in clothes, accessories, shoes, make-up etc (rather expensively so!!)  She is everything I am not, and everything I would like to be.

She is also intelligent, savvy, extremely capable, and very, very (scarily so) efficient.  It seems she can turn her hand to most things, including making my ex-hubbie a very happy a way I was sadly never able to, and wish I had.  She is a brilliant cook, interior designer, gardener and house-keeper.  She can sew, do DIY,  is the perfect hostess, and the perfect wife.  Their home (which once was our home) is now palatial, spotless, pristine, immaculate,  colour co-ordinated, and furnished with top of the range furniture and fittings, bespoke kitchen, bathrooms, toilets, dressing rooms and bedrooms.   What was our family home with all the mess, clutter and chaos that comes with having a large family is now perfect......just like her.  I pale into insignificance and feel like a mere maggot next to her, and totally inferior.   She is a lovely person in every way, and I can find no fault with her.  She is a brilliant step-mum too, and my children all love and adore her.

Theirs is a comfortable relationship, and they seem to get on very well.  I wouldn't say that it was overly passionate, but it certainly works.  They are obviously very fond of each other, and their happiness is very evident.  She looks after him exceedingly well in every single way.  She takes very good care of him, meeting all his day to day needs in a way I never could, with four children to care for.  She does absolutely everything for him, so he does not have think or worry about a thing.  In return, he looks after her and lavishes her with all she wants or needs in life and all that money can buy.

I like her, she is very agreeable.  I found her to be witty, amusing, and fun to be with.  She understands my ex down to a tee, and accepts all his funny little quirky ways.... in fact, she finds them amusing,  and even endearing.   It is evident that they both want the very best in life without the stresses and strains of children around them, and they have the wealth, time and freedom in which to do so.  They can lead a very happy, stress-free, rewarding and fulfilling life together without the all the worries, financial or otherwise that most other people have.  I can hardly blame him or her for that.  It is probably what most of us can all but dream of......I certainly do!

Given a second chance, I think I would want the same.  Perhaps we could have been as devoted and as happy as they are now.  Too late now though.  I concentrated for all my 22 years of marriage on raising and bringing up the children.  Raising a young family of four was never girl, and three lively boys.  They were four little bundles of mischief and joy, and I put most of my time and energy into them,  trying to keep on top of things in the home.   My ex put all his time and energy into his career while we were married, and left the child-rearing and domesticity to me.  We were like ships that passed in the night.  He had his job in the city, and I had mine at home with the kids.  We had little in common other than our four children.  We both worked hard at our different roles, but had little time for each other, or for intimacy or fun.

Now my ex is semi-retired, his career peaked about 6 years ago,  and he and his new wife are reaping the fruits and benefits of all those years of hard slog  we endured over the years.  They as a couple do not have the stresses and strains of life that we did when we were together.  The are free to come and go as they please, and are able to do whatever they want, when they want.

Do I feel sad?  Yes, very.  I grieve deeply for the relationship we could have had.  I regret bitterly the rift that our divorce caused amongst family and friends.  The family unit now ripped in two,  and will never be the same, and nothing can heal that.  The ripple effect and repercussions go on for ever.  Sometimes I think had things been different, we could have worked it out.  We were both inexperienced and young when we met, and we had our rose-tinted spectacles on when we married.  In reality, neither of us knew how to make the other happy, and we lacked intimacy.  When problems came, we didn't know how to deal with them together, and seemed unable to communicate.  Grievances were left unresolved and festered as the years went on.

All I wanted was a soul-mate,  a friend and lover, but my ex was none of those to me.  I suppose you could call it an arrangement, he was like my boss, and I was like an employee.  I did what was expected of me, and what I was told to do, and as long as I did, all was well with him, but if I didn't, or if things didn't go according to plan, then that was another story!

So there I was holidaying in paradise with a hotel full of couples and families.  My ex husband and wife had gone home, and I have to say, I suddenly felt very alone.  The first two days that coincided with them were great, as I had someone to talk to, and I actually got on quite well with the new Mrs Marsh.  It sounds weird, but I kind of missed them when they went!  Antigua like all the Caribbean islands is all you could wish for and more.......but the only thing lacking for me was good company.

All in all it was a great experience, and once again, I have learnt much about life, myself, people and what makes the new Mr and Mrs Marsh tick.  I guess you could say I feel happier within myself, and now have a deeper understanding of myself, and why our marriage failed.  Not that I can right the wrongs, but I think I can finally now accept,  move on and draw a line under things.  I can be happy that he is happy, and that he is with someone wonderful and lovely.  Somethings are just meant to be, and maybe......just maybe I will find someone who I can be happy with and spend the rest of my days with too.  As I always say to friends and family 'Time will tell'.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Thoughts on being 'Real' and friendship

Oops I did it again!!!: I don't seem to be having much luck with my bloggi...: I don't seem to be having much luck with my blogging just recently.  I have something blazing in my heart and mind that I feel I want to wri...
I don't seem to be having much luck with my blogging just recently.  I have something blazing in my heart and mind that I feel I want to write about, but then something happens to dampen the thoughts and ideas which are burning within.    My ideas have been put out like a bonfire that burned brightly and blazed too quickly, and the flames were suddenly drenched and quenched by a thunderous downpour.

Sometimes I have been bursting to express what I am thinking and feeling, and then the idea has wafted away,  like a dandelion seed being blown to nowhere and tossed in the wind.  I have tried to write a new blog at least three times. I have got so far, been quite pleased with what I have written, and then been distracted.  Days later I have gone back to finish off what I have written only to find that I have to re-log in, and then my work has disappeared in a puff of smoke.  Note to self, I must remember to save what I have written before I get distracted, or the flames go out, or the idea wafts away in the wind!

Sometime ago,  I started to write all about 'friendship', only to loose what looked like being a jolly good blog.  More recently I began a blog about 'what lies behind the mask', and lost that one too.  Maybe I could try and pick up the threads of both of these blogs, and somehow knit them together as one.  The trouble is, I have totally forgotten what I was trying to say in both of these blogs!  Hopefully in re-writing them, the inspiration will come as I write.

Here goes!

Friendship is precious.  I have had many friends over the years, childhood friends, school friends, work friends.  Friends I have made through my children and all the schools they have been to, and friends I have had during my 22 year marriage.  Many of these friends span the decades.  We all went through the same things together over more than half a lifetime.  We all dated,  got engaged,  got married,  had kids, and went through the ups and downs of life.  Our kids all grew up together, some couples got divorced and some re-married.  Most, I am pleased to say, have remained happily married throughout the decades, and they are blessed.  I guess that you could say statistically we have gone through all the normal things that normal people of our age go through.

Some friends came into my life for a period of time, and for a season.   They passed through, moved on, and so did I..... almost like chapters of a book.  Many of my friendships have spanned the decades, and I treasure these the most because they are my lifelong friends.  But I don't underestimate the friendships that only lasted for a shorter period of time rather than a lifetime.  Sometimes these intense friendships are as meaningful as the long-lasting friendships.  There is always something to be learnt, loving and loosing is all a part of the rich tapestry of life.  I have gained wisdom and insight from every single person I have met, and who has crossed my path and entered my life story.... at whatever stage.  I will always treasure and remember those friends who came into my life, and then left me for whatever reason.  I know that one day we will meet again.

The hardest thing about becoming single and getting divorced has been that though many of my 'coupley' friends have remained my friends, I simply no longer belong in their world.... I just don't seem to fit the 'mould' anymore.  Their world of happy 'coupledom' is so very different to my life now.  Over the last 6 years, perhaps I have changed, become more independent and self-sufficient.  To begin with, I tried very hard to involve them in my new 'single' status by inviting them over for this and that, but after a few years it seemed like they were loosing interest, and I was fighting a losing battle.  I haven't given up on them, as giving up on friends who I love, and with whom I have been through so much and known for so long is not on my agenda.  I don't believe in giving up on people full-stop.  It is just that sometimes I feel as though I have been side-lined.

Oh, and then there are the 'fair-weather' friends.  People who stick by you and are chummy when all is well and good.  They are quite happy to share the joys, the sunshine, and celebrate the good times, but when the going gets tough, and when the storms of life come along, they are nowhere to be seen.   They seem to disappear in a puff of smoke.  Oh, and believe me, life is full of storms,  the tiny ones and the humungous ones.  It maybe a small 'storm-in-a-tea-cup',  but it can be a major, thunderous and life-changing storm that turns your whole life upside-down.  True friends are the ones who stick by you no matter what, and who are there for you during these storms, and who don't abandon you.  Friendship isn't necessarily about who you have known the longest,  but who came into your life, and never left your side during the good but especially the bad times.

Having said that, I have some friends who I have known for many many years, but because of distance, busy life-styles, families, commitments etc we don't see each other as regularly as we would like.  When we do eventually see each other, it doesn't matter if it was months since we last saw one another, or even years, we are always able to pick up from where we last left off.  This is a mark of a true and deep friendship, as it seems to defy even time itself, no matter how long has passed.  Ageless, timeless, and forever friends.

I have to say that most of the friendships throughout my life have always been same-sex ones.  I have had very few male friends over the years.  Maybe because I went to an 'all-girl' school, and then 'all-girl' Secretarial college, followed by marriage and children.  Therefore, friends from then on were women with children of a similar age to mine.  My ex-husband always said that he didn't believe it possible for a man and a woman to be 'just friends'..... and that there was no such thing as 'platonic friendship' between a man and a woman.  How wrong he was, and how deceived and blinkered I was too.  I am now blessed with many female friends, but also a few male ones too, and I really cherish them.  It is always good to see and hear things from a 'male' perspective,  I really value their opinions, and thoughts on life.

It is strange that even though I dated my ex-husband for 4 years, and was married to him for 22 years, I hardly knew him.  The 'friendship' element was totally lacking in our relationship, and I guess you could say we lacked 'intimacy'.  I wish with all my heart that it could have been different.  How I yearned for 'closeness', and a connection with him that just was never there.  It was for this reason that sadly after many years of loneliness within my marriage we parted ways.  He is now very happily re-married to someone who is far more suited to him, and I am happy for him.  Well all appears good, happy and rosy anyway.

You can walk down a street and look at all the houses lined neatly along the road and wonder who lives in them, and what goes on?  Some houses look so cosy, warm and homely from the outside, with their pretty front gardens,  welcoming doors and windows.  We always assume that living therein are happy couples, with happy little families.....but do not be deceived.  The reality is, that in these houses are real people, living their own storms of life, whether it be relationship breakdown, illness, bereavement, troublesome teens etc etc.  To everyone on the outside, my house and my life looked like yet another happy, cosy home, but what went on within those four walls was another matter.  What looked like a 'happy ever after' life and marriage, was in reality lonely and cold.  My love for my children was what kept me going, and that is why I stayed.

As the saying goes, never judge a book by its cover, good looks, frontage and veneer can be quite deceiving, and what lies underneath can be a very different story.  A person can put on a wonderful facade of perfection, righteousness, smooth talk and charm..... they may seem to be a fine, up-right model citizen.  But sometimes beneath the mask that everyone sees,  hides someone or something much darker.... unresolved anger, bitterness, resentment, unforgiven grievances, a cold heart, and uncalled for judgement of other people.   You can see a person, a friend even,  appearing all smiles,  and it seems like they have got everything all together in their life and all is in order..... love, happiness, success, self-satisfaction,  but if you dig deep enough, their life is anything but.  Theirs too is a mask that they wear, and they don't want to lift or remove it because the truth and the harsh reality is hard to bare....... deep unhappiness, or dis-satisfaction with life, hurt, rejection, loss, loneliness.  It is easier to hide behind a mask.

What you see is not always what you get.  You think you know someone, but do you?  What happens when the mask comes off?  You think that from the outside of a house, all looks happy and rosy, but is it?  It is all down to  appearances, and how people want to present themselves.  The reality of people's lives, is very often different to what they want you to think or believe.  How does all this relate to friendship?  Well some friends are real, and some are not.  They put on a mask or act out a charade of friendliness, when the truth is, the chords of friendship are not strong,  and they do not run deep. What appears to be real and deep, is actually very shallow.  When troubles come these people who you thought were your friends are nowhere to be seen.  Sadly they are fickle and false.

So let's get real..... take off the masks we are wearing, and take a look beyond the facade of other peoples lives, and how they present themselves.  First of all, let's be true to ourselves,  then we can be true to others.  Then we need to love the people who God put's into our lives, whether or not they are there for a season, or there for a lifetime, they are there for a reason.  Truth, open hearts, honesty, respect, care and love for one another are what count, no matter what our age is, or what stage in our life we are at.   

As a child, I loved the story of the 'Velveteen Rabbit', and there are some great truths, and nuggets of gold that still speak to my heart on being and becoming real.  Here are a few of my favourites:-

“He didn't mind how he looked to other people, because the nursery magic had him Real, and when you are Real shabbiness doesn't matter.” 
“What is REAL?" asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand... once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.” 

So very true eh?  What a wonderful childhood story..... I want to be Real, how about you?

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

A short story written by me, aged 10.

This is a little story I wrote aged 10.  My mother found it hidden in a drawer.  It is short, sweet and silly, but in a way quite sad, because I was a bit like the little girl in the story who was no good at school, and who longed to be clever.....I was really writing about myself.

The Magic Pencil

Once upon a time there was a little girl whose name was Lucy.  She was aged 10, but she was the dunce of the class.  She was absolutely hopeless.  She was careless, untidy and disgraceful.  One day it was time for exams.  Oh Lucy was worried, because she knew that however hard she worked she would come bottom in every single exam with 0%.  The day came, and she had a brand new pencil which her mother had bought her.  She arrived at school, and the papers were given out.  Suddenly she heard a little whispery voice saying "It's ok, I will do the work for you"  It was her pencil talking to her.  Lucy nearly screamed with fright.  But she knew that she was not allowed to talk in exams, so she held her mouth.  The pencil kept his word and did all her work for her.

Soon the day for the results came, and the teacher said that she was very, very, very surprised to say that Lucy had come top in every single exam!!  Lucy went red.  Even now she still has mer magic pencil, and she is very famous.

The end.

Awww, Bless!!!

Thursday, 8 March 2012

Oops I did it again!!!: International Womens Day, a letter to my 'older-se...

Oops I did it again!!!: International Womens Day, a letter to my 'older-se...: Dear Jo (the me I am now), Here you are, all grown up, the little teenage girl blossomed into a mature woman, not afraid to speak your m...

International Womens Day, a letter to my 'older-self'

Dear Jo (the me I am now),

Here you are, all grown up, the little teenage girl blossomed into a mature woman, not afraid to speak your mind, and live your life.  You have age and experience behind you, and lessons have been learnt, mistakes made, failures experienced.  You have the wrinkles of life etched on your face, and they tell your story.  Your body bares the scars of many operations and surgery over the years, and the ware and tare on your body of having been pregnant 5 times,  and given birth to and breastfed 4 children.  Age has deposited extra padding all over your body, and there are soft rolls and curves in places you never had before.  Despite all of this, you have learned to accept the way you are, and have new-found confidence in yourself.  You are not afraid to be yourself, you are all woman.

For many years you allowed yourself to be down-trodden, and you lived your life to please others, and fit in with them.  You never allowed yourself to be who you really are.  You settled down very well, living in your 'little box' with all its restrictions, and limitations, and it became 'normal' for you.  Eventually, you learnt with time, and with encouragement from good friends, that was not the life you were destined to lead for the rest of you life, and you broke out, no longer having to conform to the structure and boundaries which you had become so accustomed to.

As a teenager and young women those limitations were your own, you placed them there because of your lack of confidence, self belief, and fear of failure.  They became your own prison, stopping you from stepping out and doing things.  You had yet to learn how to overcome these self-placed restrictions, to be happy with yourself and to break free.  You fell victim to people who would push you around, and who reinforced your lack of self worth,  resulting in a barricade of wrong beliefs about yourself and stopping you from being the person you were meant to or could be.

Your greatest achievement has been raising your 4 wonderful children.  I know how much joy and pride they have bought you over the years.  But along with that, the pain that comes from loving them so much, that at times, your heart aches.  Grandchildren are not on the horizon yet, but I know the joy and happiness they will bring to you in years to come, and how much you will love them too.

You are still very much on the pathway of learning all about yourself and life.  Don't allow people to pull you down, or drag you down as you have come so far.  Such negative people are a drain,  and you do not need them in your life.  Accept constructive criticism positively, and learn from it.  You still have a tendency to try and justify yourself and defend yourself when this happens, it is a habit you seem to have acquired, and you really don't need to do it.  You also still tend to be very self-critical, and can run yourself down at times which really gets you nowhere at all.  You are getting better all the time, and as time goes on you get stronger and more resilient.

So here you are, living in the present, and with the future that lies ahead of you.  You still have so much more to give, and more of life to live, God willing.   You will continue to blossom, and grow old....both gracefully, and a little disgracefully!!  Do not be afraid of ageing, and all that it brings.  There will be joys, and there will be woes ahead as you go through the Autumn of your life to Winter.  Make the most of every day, because you do not know at what time God will call you home.  Do new things, go new places,  have new experiences, take risks, be each day as if it were your last, and continue to dance, laugh, sing, love and be loved.

Lots of love,
Jo (your older self)

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Oops I did it again!!!: Letter of encouragement to my younger teenage self...

Oops I did it again!!!: Letter of encouragement to my younger teenage self...: Dear Jo-Jo (my younger self) I am writing to you from many years in the future, when you have all grown up and have lived and experienced ...

Letter of encouragement to my younger teenage self

Dear Jo-Jo (my younger self)

I am writing to you from many years in the future, when you have all grown up and have lived and experienced much of life, with its joys, laughter,  sadness and pain.

I know you have been through so much already, the bullying in your pre-teen years, the difficulties in school you experienced and all the unhappiness.  I know how you felt useless, small, pathetic, stupid, a failure  and no good at anything.  I also know how in your teens you feel unattractive, spotty and unlovable.  I understand how much you hate your large nose, flat chest, and big bottom.  But let me tell you this young lady, you are none of these things.  You are clever, funny, sweet, attractive, articulate and lovely......even if you don't realise it or believe it now,  you are.  It will take you many years to 'find' yourself,  to believe in yourself and have courage and confidence in yourself.  You will take many knocks along the way, and will also have to suffer  much before you can finally learn this, and know it for yourself.

Don't let ANYONE make you feel useless or stupid, because you are not.  Don't let ANYONE take advantage of you, or walk all over you, because you are worth so much more than that.  Learn to say 'no' and to assert yourself.  Do not be led into things that you are not happy with, or do not want to do and please do not feel that you have to 'go along with the crowd', be strong enough to be yourself.

Be careful with some of the decisions you make, as they affect you for much of your life and your  future.  The people you meet, the relationships you make, the person you marry.  Never ever feel pressurised into something you are not sure of, or comfortable with.  Don't just go with the flow, because you think it is what you should or ought to do, or what others expect of you.  Don't do anything you don't want to do, just because someone is telling you or persuading you to do it.  Only do it if you think it is right, and makes you happy.  Make your own decisions and choices, and don't allow other people to make them for you or influence you.  Avoid people who will try and control you or manipulate you, who would try and stifle, suppress or stamp out your very soul and spirit  Follow your heart, and follow your dreams, and never compromise on what you believe in, and what you want in life.

Think carefully about your choice of career.  There are those who will try and guide you into something that is totally wrong for you.  Know your strengths and weaknesses, and think about what you enjoy, and what comes naturally to you.  Do not be pressurised into doing something that clearly you are going to be no good at, it will be like swimming against the flow or the tide......uphill work, and it will drag you down.  Efficiency, organisation, administration, office work will be a struggle for you, and make you unhappy.  Do not fall for the track "a Secretary is a good career, as it is something you can always fall back on" because it won't.  You will once again be made to feel useless and helpless, as it is a career that doesn't utilise your strengths, but just exaggerates your weaknesses.  Think about your creativity, I think you could make a good career if you look down that is so much more you, and you could be very happy and fulfilled.

You will have to go through suffering and pain, it is part of life's tapestry.  But don't worry, the things you have to go through will make you stronger, wiser, kinder, deeper, smarter and more compassionate.  They will make you 'you', and the woman you will become, the 'me' that I am now.  You will go through heartbreak,  you will be let down, and you will be hurt.  Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and that when one door closes in your life, another one will open to something better.

You will make mistakes, and you will fail, but these will only be negative in your life if you allow them to be, and  if you don't learn or grow through them.  Never regret past failings or mistakes, regard them as lessons in life.  Never be afraid to try again, even if you have failed many times, if it is something you want enough, it is worth fighting for.  Be courageous and sometimes take risks.  Don't regret things done in the past, as they can't be changed, and don't forget,  if you look back too much, you can't move forward.  Live each day of your present life as a gift.   Look to your future as a series of many paths to be taken, but be wise as to which paths you choose to take.  Some will lead to happiness and fulfilment, but some will lead to emptiness and sadness.

Value your body and your health, you will have accidents and mishaps that will change your life, so be careful how you treat yourself.  Don't put yourself in dangerous or unnecessary situations.  Look after your health and your body, it is the only one you will have, it will not be replaced!  Your health will play a very important role in your happiness, so stay fit, healthy and happy.

Above all, never be afraid to be yourself.  Embrace life and what it has to offer, and don't be frightened  to take the occasional risk, and be a little daring.  You don't have to conform the whole time to what others expect of you.  You CAN let your hair down sometimes, and if others disapprove, that is tough.  Believe in yourself Jo-Jo, and try not to be so self-critical and tough on yourself.  Show yourself a little kindness and self-respect.  You can be the 'someone' that God created you to be, if you just hold onto the dream, and never give up, and allow yourself to be who you are.  Keep hoping, believing, trusting, and loving.  Live, laugh, sing dance, love and be who you were meant to be.

You have much to offer this world.  You just have to see it within yourself,  find it in your inner-being, believe in it, grab it with both hands and hold on to it to release the power you have inside to set yourself free and soar on Eagles Wings.  You can do it, I know you can.  Learn to love yourself first, and above all be true to yourself, then you will be able to love and be loved, and to be true to others.   Be strong, be happy, be faithful, be wise, be fulfilled, and never stop hoping and loving life.

Look after yourself  Jo-Jo, you have so much to look forward to.  Live your life as best you can, and with no regrets.

Lots of love

Jo (your grown-up self)

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Oops I did it again!!!: Dilemmas, and my Titanium arm

Oops I did it again!!!: Dilemmas, and my Titanium arm: Life is full of dilemmas and choices..... which career, which job, which partner, which pathway in life? The decision can affect the rest ...

Dilemmas, and my Titanium arm

Life is full of dilemmas and choices..... which career, which job, which partner,  which pathway in life?  The decision can affect the rest of our life for better or for worse.  Some choices I have made in life have been good, but some have been bad.

My choice of career, a Secretary....  that was a 'no-no' for a scatty, creative person like me,  I regret that one, but I still made good somehow.   Some decisions I have made were partly right, and partly wrong.  I look at the good things that came out of them, and not the bad.   These choices were not entirely wrong, as there were blessings that come from them that go on and on, and so I have no regrets.

Some bad choices have been lessons to learn and grow through, and I have become a stronger and wiser person for it.  I still make mistakes, and make wrong decisions, but I am still learning, that will never change till the day I die.  I can only pass on what I have learned so far to my children, and to my grand-children.

There have been some things that have happened in my life where I have had no choice.  They happened, and I have had no say in the matter.  If I could change what happened I would, but I can't.  Some of these things were life-changing, and have altered my perspective on life.  They have helped me to grow and have made me the person I am now.  A heart that hasn't suffered is a sterile one.  I am more compassionate because of these experiences.

Recently a silly accident changed my life, and it was not due to a choice or a decision..... it was fate.  It happened in the blink of an eye.   It could have been so much worse and could happen to anyone.  I thank God it was what it was, and wasn't life threatening, because it could have been.  But now I am faced with a dilemma.  I have a semi-functional arm that is full of Titanium, and I have been given a choice.  I either face the rest of my life with a semi-functional, painful arm with all its restrictions, or I take the risk of having further intricate surgery to give me a more functional arm.  The risk with surgery is nerve damage that could affect the use of my arm and hand, and constant nerve pain forever.

It is  a hard decision to make, and it is a real dilemma.  I want to have an arm that is more 'normal' and 'functional', but not sure if I should take the 'risk' of more surgery.   I do believe in miracles, but sometimes a miracle can only happen through medicine, doctors and the hands of a good surgeon.  It is a hard choice to make.....if only I had a crystal ball.

Perhaps it is a dilemma that I can only know how successful it could be if I take the risk, so maybe the risk is worth taking....who is all about choices.

Friday, 2 March 2012

Oops I did it again!!!: Meggie the Moggie

Oops I did it again!!!: Meggie the Moggie: Our eyes met, and it was love at first sight. You looked at me with your light Spring-green eyes, and my heart melted. I took your adorab...

Meggie the Moggie

Our eyes met, and it was love at first sight.   You looked at me with your light Spring-green eyes, and my heart melted.  I took your adorable little face in my hands, and I knew you were the one. Never in my life have I felt something so instantaneous.  You and I looked deeply into each others souls as we gazed upon each kissed me on the nose, and that sealed it.  You were mine, and I was yours.

Pretty little Meggie, so perfect and so cute, you have won my heart, of that there is no doubt.

Monday, 27 February 2012

Oops I did it again!!!: Post-script on my previous blog

Oops I did it again!!!: Post-script on my previous blog: I thought I had better add this post-script on my previous blog, as some of you may have thought that I was running myself down in some way....

Post-script on my previous blog

I thought I had better add this post-script on my previous blog, as some of you may have thought that I was running myself down in some way.  In fact, I was just being truthful and honest about myself.   It is better to be humble and honest than pompous and full of self-grandiose about ones-self.  To be able to acknowledge weakness, failures and mistakes is a strength.  To deny them and pretend they don't exist is foolish, as then you will never ever grow or learn from them.  It is like an ostrich burying his head in the sand.

I don't mind the gentle teasing I get from friends and family, as it is all done in the nicest possible way.  It brings much laughter and giggles to all of us, and laughter is good medicine, therapeutic and good for the soul.  I know that they love me for who I am, with all my funny little ways, and that is what matters.

I think I should say a little more about my Maths teacher who threw books and board-rubbers at me.  The truth is, she didn't like me at all, and really picked on me and bullied me to tears.  There have been times in my life when my failures and weaknesses have been painful, as I have been belittled, pulled down, and made to look a fool and feel totally useless.  Gentle teasing is acceptable,  bullying, belittling, taunting, goading are not acceptable.  But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.   These experiences have made me the person the am now, and I am very happy with that.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Oops I did it again!!!: The joys and woes of being dappy!

Oops I did it again!!!: The joys and woes of being dappy!: Perhaps it was something to do with my slightly premature birth, an unexpected and difficult breech delivery that led to a lack of oxygen. ...

The joys and woes of being dappy!

Perhaps it was something to do with my slightly premature birth, an unexpected and difficult breech delivery that led to a lack of oxygen.  For as long as I can remember, I have always been dappy.   If you were to ask any of my siblings or my parents, I have always been this way.  Just a little bit dozy!  My brother even wrote a song about me, 'Dozy Jozy' and then the lines went something like this 'making a fool of herself....'  I can't remember the rest, but when he sang it to this little ditty-type melody on the piano, I couldn't help but laugh, because it was so true, I was, and I still am!

At school my teachers would say 'she is always day-dreaming, staring out of the window looking at the clouds go by, she could do better if she paid more attention in class'.  Story of my life.  I was certainly no academic,  preferring to spend most of the time with my head the clouds, or my nose in a good book.  One of my Maths teachers used to actually throw books and board-rubbers at me... I was that bad (I hasten to add for any of my Eothen friends reading this, it was at my previous school, and one of the reasons I left to go to happier school days at Eothen).   My English teacher had a soft spot for me though, she said all I had to do was look at her with my big brown sorrowful eyes, and she just couldn't get cross. I loved English literature anyway, and if I excelled at anything it was in this subject.  Strange, I still have a recurring dream/nightmare,  that I am back at school and I don't know which class I am in, where the classroom is, or even where all my books are, I feel completely lost and at sea, knowing I should be in class or somewhere but not knowing how to get there.....must be telling me something!

Following on from School and college, I became a Secretary......probably the worst kind of job for someone like me.  Messages not given, files mis-filed, shorthand that was incomprehensible when I came to type it all back, forgotten bookings, forgotten appointments, you name it.  The workings of a business was incomprehensible to me, as was anything to do with numbers, or anything financial.  The funny thing is, my brother was/is genius with numbers and figures, he would set himself impossible mathematical equations just for fun, I could never understand that.  On the other hand, I would write just for fun.  I still do.  Most of my bosses were male and were reasonably tolerant and patient with me despite my scattiness and flaws.  It seemed all I had to do was look up with big brown soulful eyes, and flutter my eyelashes a little, and say worked!  I had one female boss, a fiery Italian lady, and my brown eyes and fluttering eyelashes didn't seem to make any difference to her....can't think why!!!!!  Just like my old maths teacher, she also would throw things at me in bouts of anger and temper.  Her face would go red with rage, and all the veins would bulge in her neck and forehead as she yelled at me.....she scared me senseless.  I would become a gibbering wreck and disappear into the ladies loos to have a little cry, returning back to my desk with a blotchy tear-stained face......not a good look for a young Secretary!

My friends for all my life have known me as being sweet, silly, and scatty.  My ex-husband, and my friends of old called my little slip-ups, mistakes and silly sayings as 'Jo Classics'.   More often than not,  it was that I would think something daft in my head, but say it out loud.  It would always result in roars of laughter, and everyone saying 'another Jo-Classic!'  One of my most memorable 'Jo Classics' was on a  girlie trip to New York  in the year 2000.   We decided to go up the Empire State Building.  At the half way level  (or thereabouts) there was a sign saying 'Roller Coaster' ride.  I looked around with a puzzled expression, and asked my friends "how on earth did they manage to fit a Roller Coaster ride into the Empire State Building? or is the ride going all round the outside of the building?"  They dissolved into hoots of laughter, "it's a Virtual Roller Coaster Ride, oh Jo....oh Jo Jo!!!!"  I kind of giggled with embarrassment, ooops, silly me!   Yes, at least I have managed over the years of blunders to learn to laugh at myself, my funny ways and slip-ups.  They are somewhat amusing both at the time, and also when I look back on them.

I have some other friends who now call them 'Jo-Jo Moments'.  I like that, it sounds rather quaint, which I suppose is what I am.  Thus the title of my blog 'Ooops I did it again!'  What with this and my tendency to be a little accident prone (see my first blog... Good Intentions), it seemed rather apt.  I dread to think  what I will be like when I am 80 (God willing I live to that ripe old age!).   I am a bit like my Granny, even at my young age (!!!).......tell me a joke, and I either don't get it at all, or when I do, I am laughing  5-10 minutes later  or even the next day......when I have finally worked it out.

Actually,  I don't mind people laughing at me or gently teasing me about my silliness, forgetfulness and quirkiness......I am fine with it.  I think most people find it quite an endearing quality.  The exception of course, are terribly efficient people whose lives are totally organised and smooth-running,  those people whose  lives are so perfect, in order and faultless they cannot possibly understand me and where I am coming from.   These people must find me incredibly irritating or frustrating...they shake their heads in disbelief and give up.  Still that is their problem and not mine, as I am quite happy with the way I am and my life.  People who love me, love me because I am me......with all my funny ways, I will never change.  For those in my life who have expected perfection from me,  I am sorry I failed.  However,  in failing perfection, I have learned to love and accept who I am and the way I am.  Learning to love myself, I have learned to love others, and to become more loveable.  Love, after all, is what makes the world go round.  Welcome to Jo-Jo's world!!

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Oops I did it again!!!: A Mothers Love

Oops I did it again!!!: A Mothers Love: From the moment I gave birth to you, it was love at first sight. Exhausted, tired and weak from 9 months pregnancy and a long and painful l...

A Mothers Love

From the moment I gave birth to you, it was love at first sight.  Exhausted, tired and weak from 9 months pregnancy and a long and painful labour,  I knew as soon as I held you in my arms, that my life would never be the same.   You had a mop of dark hair, perfect skin, and rosebud lips, my perfect beautiful baby.  How could such a tiny human being knit together so perfectly in my womb make so much noise?  Every time you cried, you pulled at my heart strings, and I wanted to comfort you, protect you, and make your world right.  As you grew up,  I was there to to wipe away your tears when you came home upset from school, or when you fell over and grazed your knee.  Your perfect cheeks all plump and rosy stained by your tears, and I would wipe them away.  I have always felt your pain my only a mother can.  When you hurt, I hurt with you.  I still want to make things right for you, like I did when you uttered your first cry.  But but I feel so helpless now,  I want to make it all better for you like when you were small, and take your pain away.

Your joys are my joy........and you have given me so much.  I remember when you swam your first mile, my heart felt as though it would literally burst with the pride I had for you.  When you are happy, I am happy, and when you are not, I would move heaven and earth to bring your happiness back.  When you have a problem, I feel a knot that grips tightly in my stomach, as I worry and fret about you......your problem becomes my problem.

You see, my love for you my darling child, goes on forever.  I have always loved you from the moment you were born, and I always will.  I will always feel the joy and the pain that you go through till the day I die.   I will always be here for you as long as I breathe and my heart still beats.... and when I pass away, my spirit will live on, as there will always be a part of me in you.  You will hear my voice,  you will know I am there, you will feel it in your heart.

No-one can take away the love I have for you, and nothing will change it, it is pure, unconditional, protective, fierce like a lioness, and gentle as a dove.  It is a Mothers Love.

Monday, 13 February 2012

When the snow melts....

You wake up one  morning to find that your world has been turned overnight into a winter-wonderland. A fresh fall of snow, and everything is white, glistening and beautiful.   It all  looks so pure, white and dazzling.  Even the way snow falls is beautiful.... slowly, gracefully and gently, each snowflake unique in its beauty drifts to the ground.  But the beauty and freshness is short-lived, it can not last forever.  Eventually the snow melts, and turns to slush.....and beneath is dull and drab, even ugly....the earth cries out for Springs warmth, and the promise of new life.  It is there beneath the ground, waiting to burst forth when the time is right.  The spectacular colours of Spring yet to emerge, with all their vivid, fresh, brightness.

A new relationship is like a fresh fall of snow.  The first flush of love, and all seems so beautiful, pure, perfect, gleaming, shining and wonderful.  But when that first flush of love, like the snow begins to melt, what do we see and what lies beneath?  They say love is blind, and it can be.  You are so blinded by all the newness and wonders of first love,  that you don't see what is really there..... like the snow,  it puts on a an amazing and dazzling display.  When it is gone, what is left?  Sometimes sadly what is left is something dull, that has lost its vibrance, and sometimes you realise that what you had felt, seen and believed in is not at all what it had seemed.   But like the Spring, we have to wait.......underneath things are stirring until the time is right,  like they are coming out of a deep sleep.  New shoots emerge, new life, new hope, new love, new beauty......something more alive, more vibrant, more dazzling than you thought possible, it reaches up skyward towards the sun and grows in splendour and strength.  Such is life and love.

Sunday, 12 February 2012

Oops I did it again!!!: Oops, I really did nearly do it again!

Oops I did it again!!!: Oops, I really did nearly do it again!: I went out last night with a and snow still lying on my drive, she comes to pick me up. I am wearing high heeled boots...

Oops, I really did nearly do it again!

I went out last night with a and snow still lying on my drive, she comes to pick me up.  I am wearing high heeled boots (I love boots!!).  I attempt to totter to her car, and then realising it is slippery and a little dangerous to walk on, and not wanting to have another trip to A and E, I turned back to the front door to get my snow boots.  I successfully get into her car wearing my snow boots and carrying my high heeled boots in my hand.   Injury avoided!

We arrive at the pub which was clear of snow and ice, and in the car, I take off my clumsy snow boots and put my nice high heeled ones on...... so much more attractive!  I get out the car, while my friend parks, and start to climb these steep steps up to the pub.  I nearly get to the top, but not quite......I wobble a bit, loosing my balance and in slow guessed it, oops! I nearly did it again....nasty fall.  Fortunately for me, I didn't injure myself this time, just a bruised knee as I managed somehow to save myself......another close shave though!  What is it with me and stairs and steps?!!

The evening was a little disappointing, as we thought there would be a live band.....instead of which there was this old crooner singing Frank Sinatra songs to some sort of backing track.  Still, my friend and I had a good natter, and set the world to rights, so all good.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Long gap.......writers block!

Hello my has been a long time since I have blogged, for some reason I didn't feel inspired to write,  but quite a lot has happened.  I thought I would have a catch up though, and do some more blogging not for your entertainment, but because it is good to write.

A few weeks ago my darling little Basil passed away.   We were blessed with 16 wonderful years of his furry, woofy, funny, cute and doggy ways.  What a wonderful little character he was, and the best family pet we could have ever wished for.  I miss him dreadfully, and I have tears in my eyes as I write this.  He died peacefully in bed at home, like he had gone to sleep,  except this time he will never wake up.   The vet took him away in his bed all cozy and wrapped in a blanket, and that is my last memory of him.

Each morning I wake up expecting to see him, and every time I go out I expect to come home to his waggy little tail and sweet face.    Coming back to an empty house, and waking up to no-one feels very, very lonely.  There is a huge emptiness and void now that can't be filled.  I still can't believe he is gone, and that I will never see him again.  To hear his little snuffley noises,  and the click clacking of his paws on the kitchen floor.  Sometimes I think I can hear him, even smell him.....but no, he is gone.....forever, it seems so final.  All I have now is memories.

My arm is progressing very slowly.  I had a large screw removed about 4 weeks ago, it was one of the many bits of Titanium inside my bones, but this particular one was trying to make a rather spectacular exit out of my arm like something out of 'Alien' the movie!.....ugh!!!

It is now four and a half months since my accident..... the day that changed my life.  It feels like a lifetime away since I had a normal arm, and having an abnormal arm is becoming the norm.  I am just about managing to use a knife and fork now, so that is a step forward.....though there is a fair amount of cheating going on.  I still am not driving, but I am hoping that in the next few weeks/month I will be able to give it a go.  My other goal is to be able to get my left hand up to my left ear, so that I can talk on the phone and write a number or a message with my right hand.   My arm still gives me considerable pain (though nothing like it was), especially at night....sleepless nights have become the norm sadly (not that I was a brilliant sleeper before!).  I have been told by many people that full recovery will take a year of slow progress, and even then I am to expect a 'functional' arm, and not the arm I used to have.

It has been a some what rickety start to the year..........Christmas and the New Year already seem like a long and distant memory.  So much has been happening,  relationships all around me on shaky ground, and nothing seems certain at the moment.  People going through tough times....and only just keeping their heads above water.   Friends with health issues that put everything else into perspective,  we all have our battles to fight and to get through, but our health is the most important, and if that fails......?

Few of us can go through life and sail through with no problems, we all have our burdens to carry, our sadness, grief and pain to go through, hurdles to get over, and mistakes to learn from.  In the end they make us who we are.......stronger, more compassionate and understanding human beings.  Without pain and suffering, difficulties and problems our hearts become sterile and cold.   So I thank God for helping me through tough times, and giving me a more understanding and compassionate heart, and for teaching me wisdom (though I could do with an extra dose of that one!)  I pray that my heart will never become hard or sterile.

I thank God for friends and family, without whom the last 4 months would have been so much worse.

Speak soon, and I promise I won't leave it so long before I write again.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Post-script on yesterdays blog

How often is enough?  Well really I should have asked myself the question ......'how much is too much?!'

It seems like a wrote a full essay yesterday, but then people who know me well, would already know that sometimes I get carried away when it comes to writing.  It is something I love to do.  The funny thing is,  I could have written more but I didn't want to go overboard,  I rambled on for long enough as it was.

So this is short and sweet, and ends here.

I hope you have all had a wonderful weekend...........over and out from Planet Jo-Jo!

Saturday, 21 January 2012

How often is enough?

As a sleep aid, this new blog so far has not worked.  My overactive mind was more so than usual last felt as though my mind was ablaze,  like a sparkler letting of bright sparks in the night sky with ideas on what I should write.  I finally fell asleep around 4am I think.

I decided during those wakeful hours on my subject often is enough?

How often should I write on this blog, once a day? once a week? once a fortnight? once a month?  How often is too much? and how little is not enough?  What shall I write about?  Well let's start with the subject........ How often is enough?

There are somethings in life which you can never get enough of,  or too much, hugs, affirmation, laughter, joy.  Fresh air, flowers, fields, green grass, blue sky, birdsong, sunshine, water, be denied these things would cause the human soul to wither.  I will try and do all of these things as much as I can until the day I die.

Love people, especially those closest to you........ can you love too much?  or do you love enough?  You can't give or receive too much love.   We  don't say "I love you" or express our love for one-another enough, or as frequently as we should.  We take it for never know one day they might not be with us, and then its too late.  On 9/11 when the planes hit the two towers, all the phone calls from people trapped and staring death in the face,  phoned their loved ones to tell them how much they were loved.  It is true when they say 'love makes the world go round'.  Without love, we are nothing.  You can be in a relationship, or a marriage, but without love, it is empty.....'a clanging gong'.  A loveless marriage is a very lonely place to be.  I want to be loved and to love every day.

Forgive, how often is enough? can't forgive enough or too much.  To carry unforgiveness in your heart is to carry a terrible burden, and it weighs heavy in your will drag you down, and stop you from living.  To be able to forgive is setting yourself free.  Forgiveness can be a journey, you have to do it every day.  Every day I choose to forgive.

Hope......can you have too much?  No, you can never have too much hope.  It is what keeps us going, keeps us living....... with hope for the future,  that things can get better.  Without hope you would wither like a Rose in the desert and die.  Hope will cause us to grow,  to flourish, to blossom, to look up and beyond our circumstances whatever they are, and however grim they seem.  Without hope, we become stuck in our reaching a brick wall where you can see no way through or forward.  I was once in that place, and it is a desperate place to be.  Now I have hope, I hope every day.

You can't get too much of the earths natural beauty.....we have so much to enjoy,  you don't need lots of money to appreciate all that is wonderful and miraculous in our world.  Just step outside and breathe in the air......see the grass, the blue sky, the birds that sing, brightly coloured flowers, trees whose branches and leaves wave in the breeze.  Feel the wind on your cheeks, the smell of newly mown grass.....its all there for us to savour.  Every season has its beauty too, winter, spring, summer and autumn.....and we can enjoy every day. much is enough? can you have too much? can cause the spirit to soar,  it can touch the soul,  and brighten your day.   It can uplift you and take you to places in your mind that are in your dreams.  It can cause you to dance, and your heart to sing.  It can bring back the happiest of memories.  I listen to music every day,  have a little dance and feel happy to be alive. we laugh enough?  The world can seem very sombre, scary and worrying at times.  Laughter and joy is like medicine to the soul.  It lifts you up when you are feeling down and the skies are grey.  To feel laughter bubbling up from inside you like a babbling brook as it spills out from within, and flows out to those around.  Laughter is catching.   When my children laugh, I laugh too......I love to hear them laugh,  it is music to my ears.  To be able to laugh at yourself.........I do it all the time when I make a fool of myself.   My friends call them "Jo Jo" moments!  I never take myself seriously.  To keep a sense of humour even when things aren't going your way and life seems is a gift, and so is laughter.  I do it every day. can never have enough affirmation, or give enough.  I have lived with negative people in my time, and it is very draining.   It saps you of all belief in yourself, and it is as if all the good has been squeezed out of you.   Eventually you feel so useless, small, unworthy, shrivelled and pathetic, you begin to believe all the negative things they think, say or do to you.  You feel so helpless that you don't know how to set yourself free from all the negativity.  Negativity breeds negativity, and you become hopeless and trapped.  I managed to set myself free from this, and it was a bit like a butterfly emerging from a I am free to fly, and rise above any negativity in my life (oh yes, it still exists!)  I try to affirm as many people as I can everyday.....even if it is only myself. can never show too much kindness,  be too generous, thoughtful, caring, compassionate or giving to our fellow humans,  especially our nearest and dearest.  Not necessarily in the materialistic way or in that order, you can be generous of spirit and with your time, which is far more important.  You can be kind, thoughtful, caring and compassionate without becoming a doormat (at least I think you can....I do struggle a little with this!)  Kindness can be shown every day, and in little ways that mean so much.

Patience.........well we all need this one, every day!!   I need to be far more patient, not necessarily with others, but with myself.   My mother always said "patience is a virtue"........and it is.  I will try and practise more patience in my life.....every day!

On a lighter note........there are some things that I would like much more, and can never have enough of but common sense tells me it's not sensible or possible........ good food (lots of it), fine wine (lashings and lashings), chocolate, French cheese (especially the runny smelly ones!) holidays, high-heeled boots, sun-bathing,  the finer things in life and being pampered like a princess!!!  Yes well, I can live in hope and dream on!

So there we are.........just a few words on "How often is enough".  I could go on, but don't want to bore you.  Now you know why I didn't get much sleep last night......all these thoughts going through my mind!  So I return to the original often should I write on this blog?  Perhaps not every day, or I will drive people mad with the ramblings of my mind!  Maybe I will just write when I am inspired to write......let's leave it at that!

So once again my beautiful fellow human beings, I will love you and leave you......signing off with a cheerful wave, until next time!

Friday, 20 January 2012

Good intentions!

So where do I begin?!  First goes!  

I have a creative mind which has a tendency to keep me awake at night.   My mind does full circles,  cartwheels and all sorts of contortions, over and over, round and round the thoughts go.  They whir and dive and speed through my head, and they don't give up or give me any peace.  A friend told me I should start writing, then perhaps my mind will stop behaving like a windmill at night, or a computer that won't shut down......whirring on and on.  I suppose you call it an over-active mind.

The New Year seems as good as any time to start.........ok, its not so new now, as it is already January 19th, but this is as good a time as any. 

Last year ended badly.    I had a nasty accident on the 30th September and it has changed my life.  My life now consists of 'before' that day, and 'after'.  I completely shattered my elbow when I fell downstairs.  I remember nothing, partly because I was concussed, and my body went into shock, but also I was a little tiddly because I had been to a rather boozey party.  Not very clever.....thus the title of this blog "Oops I did it again"  It is rather typical of my life. 

I have never done things by halves.......and certainly this was a humdinger of an injury and no exception.  How on earth I managed to call the ambulance after such a fall, only God knows.  I think He must have sent an Angel to my rescue!!  I was on my own in the house, so it was either an Angel or me (I can't remember anything at all!)  Once in hospital,  I had to wait 5 days before I had 6 hours of surgery to have my elbow re-built,  (I have an arm full of Titanium now.....just call me bionic!!) blood transfusions, the whole works!! 

I was in a plaster-cast and immobilised for 9 weeks in all.  I am still suffering the consequences of this injury, and have only 20 degrees (or less)  movement in the elbow joint.  I am not able to drive, use a knife and fork, get my hand to my mouth and all sorts of seemingly easy tasks, that we all just take for granted.  Looking on the bright side........if it had been my skull or neck, I probably wouldn't be here to tell the tale.  I have nick-named my arm 'Frankie' after Frankensteins monster........I have a 12 inch scar and I am full of nuts, bolts and screws!

I have always been somewhat accident-prone.  I started off well at the age of two when I fractured my femur (largest bone in the body I think)  I was hospitalised and on traction for 8 weeks......which is one hell of a long time for a two year old.  I had been playing in the garden and clambering on a very heavy wooden bench which my father had moved into a slightly precarious place while he was mowing the lawn.  I saw it as something good to explore and climb, but it ended up on top of me. could have been worse if it had landed on my head, luckily it was my leg!  

So at the tender age of two I was introduced to the wonders, noises and smells of casualty and hospital.  In those days (1960) visitors were discouraged, and my parents weren't allowed to see me for 48 hours.  Thereafter they were only allowed to see me for half an hour each day.  My poor mother 6 months pregnant with my brother, it was heartbreaking for her.  I came out of the whole experienced somewhat traumatised and insecure, which affected the rest of my childhood with a lack of confidence, self doubt and timidity.  More of that another time.

I could go on, and give you my life history from this point, but I don't know if it would bore the pants off anyone who happens to come across this blog, and put them off coming back!  (I have no idea who reads these things, or whether anyone would find it remotely interesting!!)  so I won't bore you with too many details for now.......another day!!  

I am just finding my feet here, and I am sure there will be plenty more opportunities to tell my life story, and to voice my thoughts and feelings on life in general.  

So I will say cheerio for now, give you a little wave........and wish you a very good day!