Oops I did it again!!!: Eureka!!!

Oops I did it again!!!: Eureka!!!: Well, well, well!!   I can't believe I have found my missing blog!  I have solved the mystery of where it went to.   I thought that th...

A NEW CHAPTER (written May last year on my other blog spot)

Nearly a year has gone by, and I haven't managed to write a blog.  Partly because I have not been disciplined enough, and partly because so much has happened in the past year.

Ok, let's catch up from May 18th last year.  Much has happened.

My last blog backfired badly, and perhaps that is another reason I have left it so long.  It was heart-felt and very personal.  Every word was true, and nothing terrible was said, just how I felt at the time.  Unfortunately a friend asked me to mail it to her and somehow it also went to random contacts on my mailing list, including ex-hubbie..... eeek!  Another MAJOR 'ooops I did it again'!!!  Not good, as it went down very badly, and all the apologies in the world weren't enough to make things right.  I can be so darned stupid sometimes!!

Lesson learnt the hard way, I won't do that again, I will be careful what I blog about from now on.

My arm..... news on that is not so good either.  I had the second operation at the end of May last year. It lasted 6 hours with more blood transfusions etc.  It all was going quite well and much of the titanium was removed, when suddenly SNAP another fracture further up my arm!!  Instead of beginning to mobilise the elbow joint, I had to keep it immobilised for another 6 weeks.  Worse still,  my 'ulna' nerve was damaged during surgery, and I lost much of the use of my hand too.

Anyway, nearly one year later, the nerves are beginning to mend.  Sensation is coming back and so too the movement and use of fingers.  My arm has improved too, and I have around 30 degrees of movement in the elbow joint.  I can now get my hand to mouth, and even hand to hear....wooohooo!!!

Eureka!!!

Well, well, well!!  

I can't believe I have found my missing blog!  I have solved the mystery of where it went to.   I thought that this particular blog had been lost in cyberspace, as I was unable to log in.  It turns out, I have two Gmail accounts, and this blog was under the first account I had forgotten about.  Oooops, I did it again!!!  The name of both blogs is so very apt.  Why am I so scatty?

So now it appears I have two blogs, because I started writing a new one which was logged into the second of my Gmail accounts....confused?  Yes, so am I!   If anyone wants to read the ONLY blog I ever managed to write on my new one (I know......the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak when it comes to blogging) the link is  JoseyjoMarsh.blogspot.com.  I haven't decided whether I should stick with this one now I have re-found it, or start using my other one.  Decisions, decisions!!   I think I will stay with this one for the moment.

Anyway, a brief update.

Arm........ still the same.  No improvement sadly, just semi functional with nerve damage to the hand which means the sense of touch and feeling is impaired.  I have said so many times before, it could have been SO much worse, so I feel lucky really.

Three of my kids are living in London, and my youngest is now on his GAP year of travel (actually it is 4/6 months of travel).

I am now very happily ensconced in my beautiful new flat.  So last year, once moved in and fully settled, I embarked on my own GAP year of travel.   Something I never did when I was young, and I wasn't able to do when married with 4 kids, and a home to look after.

Gather ye rose-buds while ye may as there is no time like the present.  Who knows what the future holds,  so grab the bull by the horns.......hey, hang on a minute......wasn't this one of the many 'NO-NO's' I learnt when on my writing course in France?  No cliches!!!  Ooops,  sorry to all my fellow writers,  it just can't be helped sometimes!

I travelled to many countries,  experienced new things, ate strange foods, saw amazing sites and have taken far too many photos.  Sometimes I travelled alone which actually I quite enjoy.  Solo travel gives you freedom to come and go as you please.  I  made many new friends along the way, and feel blessed to have met them.  I  also travelled with my  companion and close friend.  We always get on well and manage to have a laugh at the silliest of things together.  She fully understands my scattiness and my 'Jo-Jo' moments, and we both have a giggle about them.  Other trips have been staying with family and friends.   I feel I have been truly blessed, and I am so very thankful to all of them (you know who you are!!)

I have been touched emotionally by some of the sights I have seen and things experienced.  Below is a man praying by the sea in Zanzibar.  My friend was moved to tears at the sight.....it somehow touched her soul seeing this man so deep in worship.  It was a spiritual and profound moment.

I was touched by the sunset in Santorini.  It was so moving, I cried inexplicable tears of joy.  Something stirred deep within me.  I cannot put it into words, and I cannot explain why, I just did!  This photo cannot possibly do this experience and sight justice.  It was one of those beautiful moments, and one I will always treasure.

Another memorable moment was the incredible night sky in Zanzibar, and also in Morocco.  I have never seen so many stars so clearly, millions and millions of them.  I felt in awe of God's beautiful and wonderful creation, and the universe in which we live.  Once again, I couldn't help but cry tears of joy at the magnitude and beauty of this wonderful sight.

To tell you about all of my travels in one go would take far too long, and probably bore the pants off you.  Maybe it is something I could write about on my second/other blog some time.  Perhaps that one could be my 'Travel Blog'.   All I can say is that last year was one hell-uv-a-year.  I had an absolute blast.  Hey I am young(ish) free and single, why not?!  You only life once, and you are a long time dead! (sorry....more cliches!)

So, will it be repeated this year?  It looks like it will, God willing.  I already have several trips in the pipe-line, deposits paid and some flights booked.  There is just one little (and I mean LITTLE!!) thing that has changed this year that I now have to consider.  Not only do I have Meggie the moggie, but I am now the proud mistress of a teeny weeny 5 month old Chihuahua puppy who has turned my life upside down.  She is a little bundle of feistiness, fun and mischief.   Totally adorable and an absolute joy.

I will have to find someone who can come and cat/dog/flat sit whilst I am travelling.  That shouldn't be too be too hard......  any offers?!!

So another year of travel possibly beckons.

Over the years I have been through the maze, and been through the storm, but now that I am in mid-life,  the best is yet to come.  I am living my life like there is no tomorrow.  I have never lived like it before, and may not get the chance again.  Come on, let's be honest.......life is far too short and precious to waste, so live it to the max.  Laugh, live, love and dance.  Live in the moment, who knows what tomorrow brings.  The past is history, the future is unknown, but the present.....is a gift (sorry, more cliches, but it is true!!)

Wishing you all,  friends, family or people I haven't met, a very happy New Year.  May it bring joy, peace, good health and happiness to you all.



P.S.
My next blog will be about NOT being perfect......it has been in my mind for ages!

Oops I did it again!!!: News on my arm, and an interesting holiday in Anti...

Oops I did it again!!!: News on my arm, and an interesting holiday in Anti...: It seems an age since I last blogged.  So much has happened, I don't really know where to begin.  Time seems to move so fast (I think I will...

News on my arm, and an interesting holiday in Antigua where I bumped into my ex-husband and wife

It seems an age since I last blogged.  So much has happened, I don't really know where to begin.  Time seems to move so fast (I think I will have to do another blog on that subject!) it scares me sometimes.

My arm/elbow has shown no sign of improving, and is still only semi-functional.  I have made the decision to go ahead with surgery, have all the metal work removed, and hopefully free the joint up so that I will have greater range of movement.  My aim is to be able to get my hand up to my neck and ears so I can wear jewellery again, and to be able to get my hand to my mouth.  I also want to be able to straighten it more.

29th May is my 'big day'.  It will mean 6 weeks in an arm brace, and a couple of months of not being able to drive again.  Looking ahead though, once I have had it done, I should be able to get back to some sort of a fitness regime, and shed the unwanted pounds (or stone?!!) I have managed to gain since I had the accident.  My dear old Aunt said to me 4 weeks ago "Oh my darling girl, I didn't know you were expecting again?!!"  I replied through gritted teeth "I am not expecting, it is called 'middle-aged spread!'  Grrrrrr!!!  She is 85, so I guess I can forgive her for the not so helpful remark.  I am determined to get my figure back!!

In anticipation of the surgery, I booked a 2 week holiday to Antigua (actually I was supposed to go last November, but had to cancel because of my accident) to get myself healthy, rested and fit.

I arrived at the hotel, hot, sticky, sweaty, make-upless, haggard, and bedraggled from the long journey across the Atlantic ocean.  As I stumbled out of the car, the first person I see..........my ex-husband and then his new wife!  Small world, they had decided to have a second honeymoon (they were married last November) at the same resort as me, coinciding it turned out by 2 days.

His wife looked picture perfect, glamorous, tanned, slim, chic and totally wonderful.  The two of them looked ecstatically happy and relaxed.... laughing and smiling in the Antiguan sun.  I gulped, knowing how dreadful I felt and looked.....and old feelings of inferiority swept over me.  I walked towards them, head held high, but inwardly feeling somewhat diminished and a little shaky.   I managed to pull myself together enough to greet them in a reasonably friendly and cordial way.  Of all the places in the world to choose from, they chose the same destination as me.......freak coincidence!!

I was shown to my room,  plonked down my case,  and collapsed on the bed.  I may have drifted off to sleep for a short while (it had been a long old journey).   When I awoke I threw open the windows.  In front of me lay a beautiful sight, white beach, blue sky, palm trees, and turquoise sea sparkling in the sunlight.  What I also saw right under my nose......my ex husband and his beautiful wife lying side by side chatting away happily on their sun-loungers.  I felt a dull ache in my heart, and suddenly very alone, and very sad.  A sense of loss and grief for what could have been between my ex and I, and what we  could have had together.

Holidaying alone isn't easy at the best of times.  You are completely surrounded by couples and families, enjoying themselves together, and it just seems to emphasise your 'singleness'.  This particular hotel seemed to be popular with honeymooners.  I sighed as I thought what a 'dipstick' I must seem.... like some sort of 'Billy-no-mates'!!! (which of course is not true, as I have many wonderful friends back in the UK)  So what is worse? being somewhere beautiful with someone who doesn't love you, or being in the same place when you are alone full stop?

On my second day there, my ex-husband and wife were flying back to the UK in the evening.  They graciously and kindly asked me to join them for lunch (I was on an 'all inclusive' deal, so he didn't have to pay!!)  I accepted happily, as it would be nice to have some company.  I must say though, it was a totally surreal situation, Mr Marsh having lunch with the new Mrs Marsh, and the old one, all at the same table!!!

Having spent some time with them, I think I have more of an insight now as to how and why their relationship works in a way that it didn't when we were married for 22 years.

I suppose you could say that she is an all singing, dancing and much better version of me.  She is EXTREMELY attractive with a lean, slim, willowy, lithe body......not a smidgen of cellulite on her to be seen.   Her long limbs are evenly tanned, and go on forever.  There are no fat rolls, and not a scar in sight......unlike my poor body, covered in the damn things from all my various operations, accidents and mishaps!!  Her complexion is flawless,  wrinkle and blemish free...she is as fresh as a daisy.  She is classy, elegant, fashionable and has an exquisite taste in clothes, accessories, shoes, make-up etc (rather expensively so!!)  She is everything I am not, and everything I would like to be.

She is also intelligent, savvy, extremely capable, and very, very (scarily so) efficient.  It seems she can turn her hand to most things, including making my ex-hubbie a very happy man......in a way I was sadly never able to, and wish I had.  She is a brilliant cook, interior designer, gardener and house-keeper.  She can sew, do DIY,  is the perfect hostess, and the perfect wife.  Their home (which once was our home) is now palatial, spotless, pristine, immaculate,  colour co-ordinated, and furnished with top of the range furniture and fittings, bespoke kitchen, bathrooms, toilets, dressing rooms and bedrooms.   What was our family home with all the mess, clutter and chaos that comes with having a large family is now perfect......just like her.  I pale into insignificance and feel like a mere maggot next to her, and totally inferior.   She is a lovely person in every way, and I can find no fault with her.  She is a brilliant step-mum too, and my children all love and adore her.

Theirs is a comfortable relationship, and they seem to get on very well.  I wouldn't say that it was overly passionate, but it certainly works.  They are obviously very fond of each other, and their happiness is very evident.  She looks after him exceedingly well in every single way.  She takes very good care of him, meeting all his day to day needs in a way I never could, with four children to care for.  She does absolutely everything for him, so he does not have think or worry about a thing.  In return, he looks after her and lavishes her with all she wants or needs in life and all that money can buy.

I like her, she is very agreeable.  I found her to be witty, amusing, and fun to be with.  She understands my ex down to a tee, and accepts all his funny little quirky ways.... in fact, she finds them amusing,  and even endearing.   It is evident that they both want the very best in life without the stresses and strains of children around them, and they have the wealth, time and freedom in which to do so.  They can lead a very happy, stress-free, rewarding and fulfilling life together without the all the worries, financial or otherwise that most other people have.  I can hardly blame him or her for that.  It is probably what most of us can all but dream of......I certainly do!

Given a second chance, I think I would want the same.  Perhaps we could have been as devoted and as happy as they are now.  Too late now though.  I concentrated for all my 22 years of marriage on raising and bringing up the children.  Raising a young family of four was never easy.....one girl, and three lively boys.  They were four little bundles of mischief and joy, and I put most of my time and energy into them,  trying to keep on top of things in the home.   My ex put all his time and energy into his career while we were married, and left the child-rearing and domesticity to me.  We were like ships that passed in the night.  He had his job in the city, and I had mine at home with the kids.  We had little in common other than our four children.  We both worked hard at our different roles, but had little time for each other, or for intimacy or fun.

Now my ex is semi-retired, his career peaked about 6 years ago,  and he and his new wife are reaping the fruits and benefits of all those years of hard slog  we endured over the years.  They as a couple do not have the stresses and strains of life that we did when we were together.  The are free to come and go as they please, and are able to do whatever they want, when they want.

Do I feel sad?  Yes, very.  I grieve deeply for the relationship we could have had.  I regret bitterly the rift that our divorce caused amongst family and friends.  The family unit now ripped in two,  and will never be the same, and nothing can heal that.  The ripple effect and repercussions go on for ever.  Sometimes I think had things been different, we could have worked it out.  We were both inexperienced and young when we met, and we had our rose-tinted spectacles on when we married.  In reality, neither of us knew how to make the other happy, and we lacked intimacy.  When problems came, we didn't know how to deal with them together, and seemed unable to communicate.  Grievances were left unresolved and festered as the years went on.

All I wanted was a soul-mate,  a friend and lover, but my ex was none of those to me.  I suppose you could call it an arrangement, he was like my boss, and I was like an employee.  I did what was expected of me, and what I was told to do, and as long as I did, all was well with him, but if I didn't, or if things didn't go according to plan, then that was another story!

So there I was holidaying in paradise with a hotel full of couples and families.  My ex husband and wife had gone home, and I have to say, I suddenly felt very alone.  The first two days that coincided with them were great, as I had someone to talk to, and I actually got on quite well with the new Mrs Marsh.  It sounds weird, but I kind of missed them when they went!  Antigua like all the Caribbean islands is all you could wish for and more.......but the only thing lacking for me was good company.

All in all it was a great experience, and once again, I have learnt much about life, myself, people and what makes the new Mr and Mrs Marsh tick.  I guess you could say I feel happier within myself, and now have a deeper understanding of myself, and why our marriage failed.  Not that I can right the wrongs, but I think I can finally now accept,  move on and draw a line under things.  I can be happy that he is happy, and that he is with someone wonderful and lovely.  Somethings are just meant to be, and maybe......just maybe I will find someone who I can be happy with and spend the rest of my days with too.  As I always say to friends and family 'Time will tell'.

Oops I did it again!!!: Oops I did it again!!!: Thoughts on being 'Real' a...

Oops I did it again!!!: Oops I did it again!!!: Thoughts on being 'Real' a...: Oops I did it again!!!: Thoughts on being 'Real' and friendship : Oops I did it again!!!: I don't seem to be having much luck with my blog...

Oops I did it again!!!: Thoughts on being 'Real' and friendship

Oops I did it again!!!: Thoughts on being 'Real' and friendship: Oops I did it again!!!: I don't seem to be having much luck with my bloggi... : I don't seem to be having much luck with my blogging just re...